26 Things Learned the Hard Way

1. Remember to put the seat down after your older brother just used the toilet (age 2)
2. I don't like lamb chops (age 3)
3. Putting your finger down your throat WILL make you throw up (age 4)
4. Don't put the mixer on "HIGH" when you've just added flour (age 5)
5. When your uncle tells you grasshoppers are delicious, don't believe him (age 6)
6. Don't try to catch grasshoppers in your mouth on your uncle's motorcycle (age 6)
7. Uncles are mean spirited and enjoy laughing at you (age 6)
8. When you play in the sandbox of someone who has cats, be extra careful (age 7)
9. When a rooster runs at you, he does not want to be friends (age 8)
10. Feed your pet rabbit (age 9)
11. Pet graves are hard to dig in winter (age 9)
12. Boy are gross (age 10)
13. I really did like that boy (age 14)
14. Don't offer to help just to be nice (age 15)
15. Move your foot slowly off the clutch (age 16)
16. Those lamb chops were OUR baby lambs (age 17)
17. College exams are easier if you go to class (age 18)
18. The "courtesy flush" is a courtesy to yourself (age 19)
19. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea (age 20)
    
20. "That Boy" really did like me too (we got married) (age 21)
21. When your midwife says,"Don't push,"... DON'T PUSH! (age 23)
22. Tuck the baby boy's penis down in the diaper (age 23)
23. Newborn boys have surprising accurate aim (age 23)
24. Pick up the dog poop in the yard BEFORE your toddler goes out to play (age 24)
25. Don't assume your 9 month old can't climb out of the shopping cart (age 25)
26. It is by the grace of God that I am alive to celebrate another birthday (age 1-26)

"Mommy, I drink water..."

Sometimes kids say things and you say, "Great... good..." not paying attention and keep doing what you were doing.  No need to be alarmed.  Kids say a lot of things and, "Mommy, I drink water..." is not a statement that is cause for alarm.  Until you turn around and see that your child is drinking the water out of the fish tank.  What does one DO after such a moment?  Of course you take the air filter tube out of his mouth that he is using for a straw.  Of course you tell him, "never do that again," as you reattach his straw to the air pump.  

But then what?  Wash his mouth with anti-bacterial soap?  Pour iodine on his tongue?  hydrogen peroxide?  bactine?  

You do nothing.  Because there is nothing you can do... nothing but pray he doesn't catch some deadly bacteria.  And then give him a glass of water and remember not to let him drink out of your glass.

The "BUMP!" in the Night

If you've spent more than 10 minutes ever talking to my husband, you know that I talk in my sleep.  I even sleep walk.  Have for years.  Don't know when I do it or what causes me to get up in dream sleep and incorporate waking life.  

Strange.  

For those of you who suffer from "vivid sleep" as I do (I made that up... you won't find that on Wikipedia) you know how awful it is... you can't help it! 

During pregnancy was the worst.  I could swear there were bugs and spiders crawling and leaping at me in my sleep.  When I tried to show Eric they were REALLY there and not just a figment of my imagination, they were gone... but ready to come out again as soon as Eric rolled over back to sleep.  

Poor Eric.  

Many a night he has awoken to my screams and scrabbling out of bed to avoid a figment of my imagination.  

 

Just the other night Jude came into our room in the middle of the night.  Not so much as a peep out of him... course I wouldn't be able to hear him over my talking.  He climbed up and snuggled down by our feet.  

What's the dog doing down there?  He's not supposed to be on the bed.  My feet... I can't move my feet.  My legs are aching... I need to stretch them... but that stupid dog is laying right there... 

BUMP!

What the h--- was that!?

Eric and I both shot up in bed.  For once the figment of my imagination was REAL!  Sort of.  

Poor Jude.

He was crying... jerked awake from a sound sleep by getting kicked off the bed.  

Oops.

 

Don't Spill the Beans!

I never truly understood the meaning of "Don't spill the beans" until this morning. My husband starting roasting me coffee. It's delicious. It's fabulous. It's the best cup of coffee you'll ever have. Every bean is cherished. Every bean.
These beans are to me as the lost coin is to the women (as repenters are to God: Luke 15:8-10). There was rejoicing at finding every last bean that had spilled. A whole lot of rejoicing because there were a whole lot of beans... a whole bag to be exact. And Jude reenacting "Woody-walks-across-the room-through-a-mindfield-of-cheese-puffs" scene (Toy Story 2) did not help.

Oh well. All the beans were found... rejoice with me: come over for lattes!

Oops... Hope No One Heard That

The cardio equipment at our gym have individual TVs attached. You bring in your own headphones and zone out in your own little world of cardio fitness. Unfortunately, while in my zone, I sometimes forget there are others around me.
If I see something funny on TV, I laugh. If I agree with something someone says on TV, I say,"That's right... so true." To me, my commentaries are appropriate. To others at the gym, I am sure they are annoying.
Annoying, I know, because I am annoyed when I hear someone hooting away at Comedy Central while I'm trying to watch the Food Network. If my souffle sinks, it's the fault of that loud woman on the bike.
As hard as this is to admit (because no one but me has EVER done this): I fart. And for some God forsaken reason I do it the most when I work out. And I am sure they are audible. Loud maybe. I wouldn't know because I have my headphones on and I am in my own little world of cardio fitness. All I know is there is some kind of invisible button that goes from the soul of my foot to the release valve of my colon. I can't explain it. It's biology.
And I am so sorry if you ever have the misfortune of passing behind me at the gym.

10 Things I Didn't Want to Hear

1. My baby teething on wrought iron
2. My cat shredding upholstery
3. My dog gagging on my hand-woven wool rug
4. My husband asking,"Is this a tarantula?"
5. "Uh-oh, Mommy"
6. Thud!  Followed by a cry (followed by silence= fine)
7. Glass breaking
8. "Ladies and gentlemen, there is a three hour delay for this flight..."
9. "We need to talk..."
10. "Look, baby climbing"

Kitty Roll

I have a house full of animals: two fish, one dog, one cat, two boys and a husband.  Being that they are all mine, it seems I am solely responsible for their upkeep.  The fish are the easiest: food and water.  It's the critters falling into class mammalian that demand the most attention: food, water, grooming, health care, exercise and affection.  With 1 of me and 5 of them, it keeps a homosapien busy... and exhausted.

That's why, at the end of the day, I just want a good nights sleep.  Ha ha.  Fat chance with a little one.  

So on those rare nights when the youngest creature doesn't wake for a snack, I relish my side of the bed and uninterrupted sleep.  

In comes the cat.  He knows tonight the baby won't be waking me.  The cat will.  He'll wake me to tell me he loves me by purring on my head.  He'll wake me to tell me he needs me to change his water or that his food is running low.  He'll wake me to tell me there's a flying insect that amuses him and it will amuse me too or he wouldn't be standing at my bedroom door mewing like a wounded demon.  

I bury my head deep in the down on the cool side of the pillow: my happy place.  The cat jumps on the bed, eager to rouse me.  Finally, he gives up and snuggles next to me for the night.

That cat is a furnace.  So when I feel his scalding body on my back, I smile; not because I like it... it's because I like what comes next: My side of the bed and uninterrupted sleep.

I roll over onto that beast.  Cats don't like that.

He bounds away, never to be seen or heard from again... until the next night.