Recently, my kids were watching the second Secret Life of Pets movie. I appreciate how the storytellers told Max's tale of anxiety and how his experience at the farm helped him overcome it. It was genuine and well thought out. Indeed, animals and people find help dealing with their anxiety through a farm.
At Simple Sparrow Care Farm, we witness all ages, backgrounds, and abilities overcome fears and build confidence through mindful practices at the farm everyday. Anxiety is physically debilitating and actually inhibits our brain from processing logic (https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/effects-on-body#1). An anxious mind and body cannot connect emotionally or in any meaningful way with others nor can it think rationally. The anxious mind is active in the brain stem and diencephalon, regions of the brain responsible for body function (like heart rate, breathing, and muscle control...also our stress response of fight, flight, freeze). It is a process for the brain to go from these regions to higher brain functions (in the limbic and cortex). In these higher functioning regions, emotions and logical thinking happen. If the mind is kept in an anxious state, emotional awareness and reason are inhibited.
(More about the brain by Dr. Bruce Perry here: Perry, B.D., (The ChildTrauma Academy). (2013) 1: The Human Brain [Video webcast].
In Seven Slide Series. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOsgDkeH52o )
Relationships are fundamental to our existence. We are created for relationship, to function as a community. Anxiety effectively destroys relationship because it eliminates the mind and body's ability to attach, that is to connect with another living thing. (A great book on this is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk). Without relationship, without community, we become more anxious. And sometimes, the very thing we need to sustain us (community) causes us anxiety. Oy vey.
What's the solution? How can we effectively combat anxiety?
In the movie, Max (a Jack Russel) struggles with anxiety after the baby is born because he realizes there are so many risks in the world for the new child. To control the risk, Max strives to protect his human boy at all costs. But when he cannot control everything, he begins nervous scratching and ends up in the dreaded "cone of shame." The family decides to take a trip together to a countryside farm and bring along Max and Duke (their other dog). Once at the farm, Max must face his worst fears and learn he survived them!
Facing fears and living through them. That builds resilience. Resilience is like an anti-anxiety serum.
Whereas anxiety causes release of stress hormones in our minds and bodies, resilience is linked to the reward system in our brains and causes a release of feel good hormones. This slurry of happy boosts our confidence, improves our mind's ability to access the limbic and cortex (for relational and logical thinking), and reduces anxiety.
The risks in life didn't change for Max, but his outlook did. He built resilience, grew in confidence, and did it all through relationship at the farm. Rooster, the farm dog, co-regulated Max (help him cope).
Here at Simple Sparrow, it looks very much the same. Often, an anxious/nervous child will visit with a parent, friend, or therapist. Perhaps that child had an adverse experience with a dog. When they see our farm dogs, they may run away from them or start screaming or both...clearly distraught. We NEVER force people to interact with something they fear. But we do provide a time and space for them to confront their fears and work through the source of their anxiety.
We are a trauma-informed care farm. Among many other things, we are aware of people's body language. We know how to wait for a persons body to tell us they are listening and ready for relationship. In the case of the child with anxiety and fear of dogs, we can put the dogs in a pen so they are within view but out of reach. Then we talk about something that has nothing to do with dogs. We may walk over to hold the bunnies or feed the chickens. We show them how to pet the goats or interact with the llama. We many cut herbs in the garden or plant seeds. We talk about these experiences: What do the chick feet feel like? Does the rabbit fur feel like a blanket? What will the flowers look like when they grow? What does this herb taste like? etc.
Then we start talking about the dogs. The dogs names are Mojo and Amigo and they like digging in the garden too! If you throw that ball, Mojo with bring it back to you. Would you like to meet them?
When the child is ready, they meet the dogs. But the MUST DECIDE they are ready for this new relationship. We never force. And more often then not, the child will decide to be brave. They decide to face their fears and meet a dog. They still may wince when Mojo drops the ball at their feet or jump back when Amigo plops down on their feet for belly rubs, but after a few seconds, they come back to the relationship and throw the ball or kneel down to give Amigo pets. Sometimes they even lay their heads on the dogs for snuggle and give the best hugs ever.
Resilience. The anti-anxiety serum. Readily available at your local farm.
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Sunday, December 22, 2019
Graffiti for Christmas
What was the best Christmas present you ever got? Was it a train set? A bike? Easy Bake oven?
For me, the best gift I ever got was from a complete stranger in Beruit, Lebanon: graffiti.
Ahmed is a graffiti artist who tags walls and buildings with sparrows. We have never met, but our lives have intersected at this serendipitous moment. A new friend, Brady Black is an American artist and is in Beruit sketch-documenting the revolution. (All art shown is by Brady Black and shared with permission via Facebook). Brady has been posting about the revolution since it started and I highly recommend following him at #RevolutionSketches.
In Fall of 2019, Lebanese people began protesting government corruption. It began as peaceful demonstration in the streets where entire families, grandparents, children, moms and dads, rallied to proclaim "enough is enough." More about the protests here: https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/trust-lost-protests-continue-beirut-lebanon-picks-new-pm,
my favorite (about the women leading the charge) here: https://www.albawaba.com/editors-choice/women-lead-beirut-protests-banging-pots-and-pans-1319854
and another favorite (and muse for this post), how street art is a flood of "colour, chaos, and commentary":https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/gallery-street-art-brings-life-downtown-beirut
To summarize:
- The Lebanese people are fed up with government corruption...the system set in place to protect them and enrich their lives is failing them and refuses to change
- Protesters have chosen peaceful and creative methods of protesting... even instilling rules to ensure safety to their "enemies". Here's a list of rules:
"1) Total peacefulness, avoid clashes of any kind 2) Insulting any religion if prohibited 3) Accepting the lawful trials of leaders 4) Respecting the Lebanese Army, even if the army was forced to take harsh actions against protesters 5) Protesting in the streets and in front of govt building encourages the achievement of our demands 6) Preventing politicians from taking too long by escalating peaceful protests 7) Spreading new ideas instead of fake news 8) Swearing/cursing is prohibited 9) The revolution is spontaneous decentralized and does not have a specific shape 10) No central leader for the revolution *NO PRESIDENT, NO LEADER, NO COMMITTEE representing the revolution."
- The leaders are responding by barricading themselves in and doing whatever they want anyways. Meanwhile, banks are closing, tensions rise, and riot police are attacking peace loving protesters.
Brady posted about the wall on Facebook recently.
These new walls that showed up last night are mocked as the whole point of the 60 days of protesting is to get the govt to listen to the people. Walls dont give that listening dialogue kind of vibe. .
Would be an absolute tragedy if they became Beirut’s largest graffiti canvas tomorrow"
I asked Brady if, pretty please, I could have a sparrow on the wall.
Sparrows have significant meaning for me. No, I do not live in a society where the government has barricaded itself in against peace-loving protesters (at least literally), but I feel the tension between leaders and "the people" in my own life and experiences. Additionally, the sparrow symbolizes God's provision (hence the name for my farm "Simple Sparrow.") It speaks of God's sovereignty and attention to detail even in the midst of human oppression. The sparrow reminds us to keep trusting God and His provision.
Matthew 6:25-26 says:
"..do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
When I checked Facebook the other day, I was over joyed to see a sparrow on that wall!
"His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches over me..."
Please pray for the people of Lebanon. They are protesting corruption and wrong doing. They are a resilient and courageous people. They are setting an example we all ought to follow when faced with hardship.
To the people of Lebanon: my voice is small but I add to the cry of the chorus of voices calling out for justice and peace and progress. Keep going my friends. Thank you for setting an outstanding example for the world to follow when government and leadership fail us. God be with you, may peace continue to reign among you. The world is watching.
Friday, September 6, 2019
The Day Mama Fought the Llama
Let me tell y'all 'bout the day
when mama
fought the llama
cuz he done spit her way
Did ya know when a llama
goes spittin'
and a fittin'
he's lookin' for drama
Well, mama was down yonder
gittin' feeds
for critters needs
it's really a wonder
why that ol' llama done spit
mama stood
shocked real good
swung her bucket and HIT
that ol' llama, took the hit
reeled round
toes dug in ground
to get another spit
Well, mama is a wonder
played rugby
so now ya see
the llama ran yonder
Now there ain't no more drama
since them two
then made a new
pact of MAMA-LLAMA
Watch yer back when out that way
ol' llama
sure likes mama
may spit at you one day!
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Vashti, You GO GIRL!
"Jamie! I joined a Bible study like you said...I hate it and I don't want to go..."
"Oh dear! What happened?" I knew there was a story.
"Well, we are studying Esther, and the bible teacher said that Esther represents the Church and that Xerxes represents God..."
She went on and I cringed as I listened. This woman loves Jesus. She's had a relationship with Him for a long time. This woman is also a survivor of sex trafficking. So studying the book of Esther, and encountering ANY mention of a "harem" strikes a deep and traumatic chord in her. As it should. And any one of us who have not had the dehumanizing experience of being sold for sex MUST PAY ATTENTION.
Anytime we read Scripture and come across harems or concubines, we must realize these people were sex slaves. They had no choice. They had no control over their own bodies. In the book of Esther, Xerxes had a harem and eunuchs to manage "his" women. (BTW, "eunuchs" were castrated males who were most likely slaves from defeated countries). Xerxes also had vast wealth and a gorgeous wife he wanted to show off to all his VIP buddies (Es. 1).
Vashti refused to obey Xerxes when he summoned her to "show off her goods" (1:12). Traditional interpretations peg her as a "rebellious wife." Indeed, even in my friend's Bible study the teacher painted Vashti as a vile, ungrateful woman who didn't appreciate the riches, wealth, and honor of her position. The Bible teacher claimed Vashti deserved what she got by disobeying her husband, the King of Persia. She then argued that Xerxes represents God, Esther the church, and Vashti is anyone who disobeys God. Since Esther obeyed Xerxes and respected his authority, clearly she received the blessings of honor, wealth, and riches that Vashti lost.
There is so much wrong with this interpretation I don't even know where to start.
First, Xerxes had an appetite for food, wine, and flesh. The book of Esther starts off listing the THINGS of his wealth: extravagant parties, loads of alcohol, costly decorations, gardens, uniquely made golden goblets, exquisite palace furniture and architecture...and a wife who was "lovely to look at."
How would YOU like to be listed among items, as someone else's possession THEY gloat over? Not known to the world by your virtues or accomplishments, just that you are pleasant to look at?
Second, Vashti had NO CHOICE (like Esther) to become Xerxes' sex slave. Vashti demonstrated EXTREME bravery and courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. We can read that Esther was AFRAID FOR HER LIFE to even approach Xerxes (4:11). This is clear evidence that this was NOT a romantic, foot-pops-up-when-kissed marriage. Vashti, NO DOUBT feared for her life as well. I imagine that she had enough: enough abuse, enough objectification, enough dehumanization...and she preferred death (or an exile worse than death) to remaining Xerxes' esteemed crowned slave.
Third, Esther's "beautification" should not be romanticized as a "beauty pageant" (which is SO often how I hear it described). Esther lived from one traumatic event after another: her family exiled to Babylon, she herself a captive of Persia, death of both parents, and then ripped away from the only safe relationship she had with her cousin Mordecai (2:5-7). She may have been malnourished entering the palace and Xerxes' servants had the job to fatten the virgins up so their king would be satisfied. The eunuchs were slaves too and probably where severely punished for overlooking the harem's "beautification" process.
Lastly, Esther and ALL the beautiful virgins were not given the option to say, "NO." They were brought in, one after another, for Xerxes' pleasure, until he found the body he preferred most. Since these women were "used goods," they were placed to live out their days in the king's harem; summoned whenever Xerxes craved them.
In no way whatsoever does Xerxes exemplify my King of kings and Lord of Lords. Never does God cast us aside, forgotten, exploited and abused. Rather, God, and by extension Jesus, are best represented by Esther. Esther subjected herself to humiliation just as Jesus did for us at Calvary. Jesus saved His people, accepting the fate of death just as Esther resolved herself "if I die I die" (4:16).
Vashti is the unsung heroine in the story of Esther. While it's dangerous to extract details from silence, her bold actions speak volumes. The author of Esther is not only silent about Vashti but also about God. God is never mentioned in the entire book of Esther, yet we witness His actions among the players in the book. God, after all, is in control and His plans always prevail and never fail (Isaiah 14:24). He had a plan to rescue His people through Esther and not Vashti. Vashti willingly stepped out of the way, surrendering her esteemed position and reputation, when she told her abuser, "No." God clearly had a plan to usher Esther into position, using without condoning a corrupt kingdom to save His people, Israel.
Vashti is not the corruption, but rather a victim of corruption who takes a stand. That's why I say, "Vashti, You GO GIRL!"
In no way whatsoever does Xerxes exemplify my King of kings and Lord of Lords. Never does God cast us aside, forgotten, exploited and abused. Rather, God, and by extension Jesus, are best represented by Esther. Esther subjected herself to humiliation just as Jesus did for us at Calvary. Jesus saved His people, accepting the fate of death just as Esther resolved herself "if I die I die" (4:16).
Vashti is the unsung heroine in the story of Esther. While it's dangerous to extract details from silence, her bold actions speak volumes. The author of Esther is not only silent about Vashti but also about God. God is never mentioned in the entire book of Esther, yet we witness His actions among the players in the book. God, after all, is in control and His plans always prevail and never fail (Isaiah 14:24). He had a plan to rescue His people through Esther and not Vashti. Vashti willingly stepped out of the way, surrendering her esteemed position and reputation, when she told her abuser, "No." God clearly had a plan to usher Esther into position, using without condoning a corrupt kingdom to save His people, Israel.
Vashti is not the corruption, but rather a victim of corruption who takes a stand. That's why I say, "Vashti, You GO GIRL!"
Monday, August 26, 2019
Well, That Was Close
Other titles I mulled over for this post include:
"What a Week"
"That Time I Could Have Had Cancer"
"Don't Say the "C" Word"
"My Interesting Armpit"
"Oh Balls"
For a few weeks I noticed a slow swelling in my left armpit. It wasn't painful at first and at it's largest protrusion resembled half a tennis ball beneath my skin. After about week 2, it started causing tingling and numbness down my whole arm. It felt like I had laid down on my arm and it was falling asleep. The pain got so bad it was keeping me from sleep...and that's when it became unacceptable for me!
Monday: called doc to get it checked out. She prescribed antibiotics to rule out bacterial infection. However, there was no indication of infection; no fever, redness or hot skin. She ordered labs and sent me to get an ultra sound of the lymph nodes as well as a mammogram.
Tuesday: went to imaging center for my pics. An amazingly crusty old nurse was verbally reviewing my case with her colleagues while I changed into a gown. She came to get me and explained that my doctor should have ordered a diagnostic image and not a screening. In her no nonsense, matter of fact tone,"If you were an old lady like me, a screen would be fine. But you are young and symptomatic. You need the diagnostic and we don't do those at this location."
I agreed with her logic and was eager to hear the results of the diagnostic imaging immediately after the squish pics.
She personally called the diagnostic center. They did not have an opening until the following week. I thought, great...I'll take that.
"That's not good enough." She said. "Let me talk to the manager..."
Oh Balls. Why does she think this is urgent enough to get me in sooner?
She got me an immediate appointment.
Before the mammogram, I got the ultra sound.
"Not to worry you," the tech said after collecting the images, "but I am going to have the doctor review these right now. He may want to come in and get more views."
My interesting armpit might need more views? Why?
No more views were necessary and I was sent away for the mammogram.
For those of you who have never experienced a mammogram, let me say, that if it were not for the sober atmosphere, it would be comical. Never will I look at a tortilleria the same way.
After several image angles, I was directed to wait in a small room before getting dressed in case the radiologist wanted more images.
My fellow mammogramees were all several years older than me. They all had earned their grey hair and wrinkles. They gave me kind and compassionate smiles...or was that empathy?
Don't say the "C" word. If it is it is, if it isn't...great.
The tech called me back for more pictures. The doctor reviewed my images.
All the while, God gave me peace. I wasn't freaking out (yet) and I understood and appreciated the thoroughness of the techs and doctors.
No breast cancer! WHEW!
But those lymph nodes...those lymph nodes could not be ignored.
Wednesday: I headed out in the morning for Bible study. I assumed it would be several days to hear back about my lab and ultrasound results. After all, it certainly didn't feel like anything to get worked up about. It wasn't breast cancer, so it probably wasn't anything.
Then my phone rings. It was my doctor.
Not the doctor's nurse. THE doctor.
Oh balls.
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, how are your lymph nodes?"
"Doing fine...not as painful, so that's good, right?"
"That is why I am calling. The ultra sound shows that your largest lymph node is 4 cm. There are 2 others that are 1-2 cm. I am going to discuss your case with my colleagues and see about referring you to a specialist for a biopsy."
I called my husband and gave him the update. Eric and I cope with bad jokes. He said,"Did you tell her we can do the biopsy at home? We have all the equipment." (We have vet supplies). That's when I crumbled into tears. If Eric was making jokes than I knew it was bad.
A great thing about God, is that HE knows what we need. I got to Bible study and was loved on and encouraged. Dear friends hugged me, assured me that no matter the outcome, God was still in control and it would all be okay.
Joshua 1:9 came to mind:
"I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all you do."
I replayed those words over and over. I let them wash my fears, rinse, and repeat.
Another phone call.
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, this is Texas Oncology calling. We would like to get you in as soon as possible...see you tomorrow."
Oh balls.
[Insert melt down montage here]
Feeling much better, I washed, rinsed, and repeated Joshua 1:9. I also trusted that IF God were to allow cancer to be a reality for us, than HE would give us HIS strength and peace to overcome it. I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I AM ALWAYS HIS GIRL.
Identity crisis averted, I proceeded to make a few phone calls to friends and family to update them on the process. As I sensed panic and fear I pointed them to Joshua 1:9...wasn't just me who needed to hear from God.
Thursday: Eric came with me to the oncologist appointment. As we sat in the waiting room, it was impossible to not think that this could be our life: sitting in these chairs time after time waiting for chemo treatment. A sweet elderly woman, Ms. Mary, came to sit near us.
"What are you here for? Lung, breast, colon..?"
"Just here to get my lymph node examined."
"Oh," she broke eye contact as if she knew that was a bleak diagnosis. "I have been fighting for 2 years. Doc gave me 2 months, but I am still here."
She studied me. She calculated the depth of what it would mean for a young mother to have cancer. Her eyes got teary.
My eyes got teary.
With a little cough, she assured me it would get easier. "There's a lot of us. There are a lot of support groups. It's hard at first, when you first find out. Then it's all right. You only get through this with the right attitude and prayer. Lots of prayer."
Prayer. Yes. I believe that. I knew lots of people were praying for me. I knew any peace or comfort or strength was from the Lord. Philippians 4:4-7 says:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell you requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. "
Ms. Mary was called back for another treatment, but I know all she really wanted was to be called home.
Soon it was my turn to see the oncologist.
She examined my interesting arm pit and checked my skin for melanoma and other cancers.
"Your lymph nodes are decreasing in size. Let's just keep an eye on them and have a follow up in a couple of weeks if they don't completely go down after finishing the antibiotics. I think your doctor made all the right calls this week, but I don't see any cause for alarm."
[Insert running-and-jumping-down-hospital-halls-high-fives-for-everyone montage here]
Wow, God. Remember that time I could have had cancer? Remember what you did for me? You gave me peace. You helped me be strong. I can trust you because you are a good and loving God. You could have allowed it to be anything. But you protected me.
Wow, God. You moved many people to pray for me. You showed me how you give peace beyond understanding to those who love you and seek you.
Wow, God. What a week!
Friday: Slept in.
"What a Week"
"That Time I Could Have Had Cancer"
"Don't Say the "C" Word"
"My Interesting Armpit"
"Oh Balls"
For a few weeks I noticed a slow swelling in my left armpit. It wasn't painful at first and at it's largest protrusion resembled half a tennis ball beneath my skin. After about week 2, it started causing tingling and numbness down my whole arm. It felt like I had laid down on my arm and it was falling asleep. The pain got so bad it was keeping me from sleep...and that's when it became unacceptable for me!
Monday: called doc to get it checked out. She prescribed antibiotics to rule out bacterial infection. However, there was no indication of infection; no fever, redness or hot skin. She ordered labs and sent me to get an ultra sound of the lymph nodes as well as a mammogram.
Tuesday: went to imaging center for my pics. An amazingly crusty old nurse was verbally reviewing my case with her colleagues while I changed into a gown. She came to get me and explained that my doctor should have ordered a diagnostic image and not a screening. In her no nonsense, matter of fact tone,"If you were an old lady like me, a screen would be fine. But you are young and symptomatic. You need the diagnostic and we don't do those at this location."
I agreed with her logic and was eager to hear the results of the diagnostic imaging immediately after the squish pics.
She personally called the diagnostic center. They did not have an opening until the following week. I thought, great...I'll take that.
"That's not good enough." She said. "Let me talk to the manager..."
Oh Balls. Why does she think this is urgent enough to get me in sooner?
She got me an immediate appointment.
Before the mammogram, I got the ultra sound.
"Not to worry you," the tech said after collecting the images, "but I am going to have the doctor review these right now. He may want to come in and get more views."
My interesting armpit might need more views? Why?
No more views were necessary and I was sent away for the mammogram.
For those of you who have never experienced a mammogram, let me say, that if it were not for the sober atmosphere, it would be comical. Never will I look at a tortilleria the same way.
After several image angles, I was directed to wait in a small room before getting dressed in case the radiologist wanted more images.
My fellow mammogramees were all several years older than me. They all had earned their grey hair and wrinkles. They gave me kind and compassionate smiles...or was that empathy?
Don't say the "C" word. If it is it is, if it isn't...great.
The tech called me back for more pictures. The doctor reviewed my images.
All the while, God gave me peace. I wasn't freaking out (yet) and I understood and appreciated the thoroughness of the techs and doctors.
No breast cancer! WHEW!
But those lymph nodes...those lymph nodes could not be ignored.
Wednesday: I headed out in the morning for Bible study. I assumed it would be several days to hear back about my lab and ultrasound results. After all, it certainly didn't feel like anything to get worked up about. It wasn't breast cancer, so it probably wasn't anything.
Then my phone rings. It was my doctor.
Not the doctor's nurse. THE doctor.
Oh balls.
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, how are your lymph nodes?"
"Doing fine...not as painful, so that's good, right?"
"That is why I am calling. The ultra sound shows that your largest lymph node is 4 cm. There are 2 others that are 1-2 cm. I am going to discuss your case with my colleagues and see about referring you to a specialist for a biopsy."
I called my husband and gave him the update. Eric and I cope with bad jokes. He said,"Did you tell her we can do the biopsy at home? We have all the equipment." (We have vet supplies). That's when I crumbled into tears. If Eric was making jokes than I knew it was bad.
A great thing about God, is that HE knows what we need. I got to Bible study and was loved on and encouraged. Dear friends hugged me, assured me that no matter the outcome, God was still in control and it would all be okay.
Joshua 1:9 came to mind:
"I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all you do."
I replayed those words over and over. I let them wash my fears, rinse, and repeat.
Another phone call.
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, this is Texas Oncology calling. We would like to get you in as soon as possible...see you tomorrow."
Oh balls.
[Insert melt down montage here]
Feeling much better, I washed, rinsed, and repeated Joshua 1:9. I also trusted that IF God were to allow cancer to be a reality for us, than HE would give us HIS strength and peace to overcome it. I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I AM ALWAYS HIS GIRL.
Identity crisis averted, I proceeded to make a few phone calls to friends and family to update them on the process. As I sensed panic and fear I pointed them to Joshua 1:9...wasn't just me who needed to hear from God.
Thursday: Eric came with me to the oncologist appointment. As we sat in the waiting room, it was impossible to not think that this could be our life: sitting in these chairs time after time waiting for chemo treatment. A sweet elderly woman, Ms. Mary, came to sit near us.
"What are you here for? Lung, breast, colon..?"
"Just here to get my lymph node examined."
"Oh," she broke eye contact as if she knew that was a bleak diagnosis. "I have been fighting for 2 years. Doc gave me 2 months, but I am still here."
She studied me. She calculated the depth of what it would mean for a young mother to have cancer. Her eyes got teary.
My eyes got teary.
With a little cough, she assured me it would get easier. "There's a lot of us. There are a lot of support groups. It's hard at first, when you first find out. Then it's all right. You only get through this with the right attitude and prayer. Lots of prayer."
Prayer. Yes. I believe that. I knew lots of people were praying for me. I knew any peace or comfort or strength was from the Lord. Philippians 4:4-7 says:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell you requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. "
Ms. Mary was called back for another treatment, but I know all she really wanted was to be called home.
Soon it was my turn to see the oncologist.
She examined my interesting arm pit and checked my skin for melanoma and other cancers.
"Your lymph nodes are decreasing in size. Let's just keep an eye on them and have a follow up in a couple of weeks if they don't completely go down after finishing the antibiotics. I think your doctor made all the right calls this week, but I don't see any cause for alarm."
[Insert running-and-jumping-down-hospital-halls-high-fives-for-everyone montage here]
Wow, God. Remember that time I could have had cancer? Remember what you did for me? You gave me peace. You helped me be strong. I can trust you because you are a good and loving God. You could have allowed it to be anything. But you protected me.
Wow, God. You moved many people to pray for me. You showed me how you give peace beyond understanding to those who love you and seek you.
Wow, God. What a week!
Friday: Slept in.
That's Sensational
People get excited. By excited I mean like the heated particles you learned about in elementary earth science. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. For a human, it can also be fear.
Sensationalism excites people. We hear or see something and we get all excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful.
The book of Joshua in the Bible opens with God talking to Joshua. Moses had just died. For those of you unfamiliar with Moses, he's a big deal: led the Israelite people out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, got water out of a rock, interceded on behalf of God's people...his resume is impressive to say the least. But Joshua had risen up, proving he was a qualified leader and ready to follow the example of his predecessor.
God lays out a plan for Joshua to follow. I wonder if Joshua started feeling overwhelmed...excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful. as God instructed him on the new mission to lead the people into the promise land. I wonder this because starting in verse 5 God says,"No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life."
In my mind, not the Bible, mind you, I imagine this conversation going back and forth:
Joshua: Wait what? Lead these millions of people into Canaan...something that Moses couldn't even do? What if I fail?
God: No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you.
Joshua: What if you leave us?
God: I will not abandon you or leave you alone.
Joshua: Is this for real...I am getting heart palpitations. I can't breath...can someone hand me a bag? The land of Canaan is HUGE and there are so many big people there...I've seen them...You can lead us, but I cannot...this is going to be rough...
God: Be strong and brave! You must lead these people in the conquest of this land that I have solemnly promised their ancestors I would hand over to them.
Joshua: How can I possibly succeed?
God: Make sure you are very strong and brave! Carefully obey all the law my servant Moses charged you to keep! Do not swerve from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful in all you do. This law scroll must not leave your lips! You must memorize it day and night so you can carefully obey all that is written in it. Then you will prosper and be successful.
Joshua: Yes, Lord. But I am so scared. All these people...
God: I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God am with you in all you do.
Admittedly, I project my own fears onto Joshua. There have been innumerable opportunities for me to panic or to get excited about something. But God doesn't want me to panic. He wants me to be strong and brave. He wants His people to remember what He says. He wants us to trust in Him.
This world and all it's degradation may seem overwhelming and frightening. We cannot control everything and everyone from making bad choices and doing the wrong thing. But we CAN control ourselves. We can choose to BE STRONG and NOT PANIC. We can choose to obey God. Then, when we obey God, we LOVE God and are better able to love others. Be careful not to get caught up in the high paced energy of panic and cultural sensationalism. If you trust God, you can trust HE has a good and perfect plan of an abundant life in HIS Promised Land.
Sensationalism excites people. We hear or see something and we get all excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful.
The book of Joshua in the Bible opens with God talking to Joshua. Moses had just died. For those of you unfamiliar with Moses, he's a big deal: led the Israelite people out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, got water out of a rock, interceded on behalf of God's people...his resume is impressive to say the least. But Joshua had risen up, proving he was a qualified leader and ready to follow the example of his predecessor.
God lays out a plan for Joshua to follow. I wonder if Joshua started feeling overwhelmed...excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful. as God instructed him on the new mission to lead the people into the promise land. I wonder this because starting in verse 5 God says,"No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life."
In my mind, not the Bible, mind you, I imagine this conversation going back and forth:
Joshua: Wait what? Lead these millions of people into Canaan...something that Moses couldn't even do? What if I fail?
God: No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you.
Joshua: What if you leave us?
God: I will not abandon you or leave you alone.
Joshua: Is this for real...I am getting heart palpitations. I can't breath...can someone hand me a bag? The land of Canaan is HUGE and there are so many big people there...I've seen them...You can lead us, but I cannot...this is going to be rough...
God: Be strong and brave! You must lead these people in the conquest of this land that I have solemnly promised their ancestors I would hand over to them.
Joshua: How can I possibly succeed?
God: Make sure you are very strong and brave! Carefully obey all the law my servant Moses charged you to keep! Do not swerve from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful in all you do. This law scroll must not leave your lips! You must memorize it day and night so you can carefully obey all that is written in it. Then you will prosper and be successful.
Joshua: Yes, Lord. But I am so scared. All these people...
God: I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God am with you in all you do.
Admittedly, I project my own fears onto Joshua. There have been innumerable opportunities for me to panic or to get excited about something. But God doesn't want me to panic. He wants me to be strong and brave. He wants His people to remember what He says. He wants us to trust in Him.
This world and all it's degradation may seem overwhelming and frightening. We cannot control everything and everyone from making bad choices and doing the wrong thing. But we CAN control ourselves. We can choose to BE STRONG and NOT PANIC. We can choose to obey God. Then, when we obey God, we LOVE God and are better able to love others. Be careful not to get caught up in the high paced energy of panic and cultural sensationalism. If you trust God, you can trust HE has a good and perfect plan of an abundant life in HIS Promised Land.
Clay People
An old friend “waved” at me from FB messenger last week. I didn’t even know the app could do that. I “waved” back, surprised that this particular friend was messenging. She was a friend from my past. We had gone to Basic Training and AIT together. We had competed with and against each other during our Army Medic Combat training, forging a friendship based literally on blood, sweat, and tears and the good old Red, White, and Blue.
But that was long ago. Before deployments, before children...before 40 additional lbs. I am no longer a soldier. I traded my G.I. Joe for Suzy Homemaker over 10 years ago and never regretted it.
As I reflect on how far I’ve come, I linger on what used to be.
I used to be in shape…
I used to be size __…
I used to weigh ___…
I used to be…different…
Truth be told, I marvel at how different I really am. My friend knew someone who, in many ways, no longer exists.
People are like that: constantly changing but still remaining same.
In Jeremiah 18, God instructs the prophet Jeremiah to go down to the potter’s house for a lesson. Jeremiah recounts:
Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. 4 But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make.
5 Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, 6 “Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.
Like the clay, like the house of Israel, I am nothing more than clay in the Potter’s hands. At one time I was one shape, but I was “remade into another vessel, as it pleased the Potter to make.”
When my friend knew me, I was a glorious athletic vase of sorts. My body was the image of a soldier. It needed to be for that season. I needed to ruck 40lbs on my back for 20 miles in boots. I needed to run and low crawl under barbed wire with my M16 rifle. I needed those biceps, abs, and legs to accomplish the mission and tasks set before me.
Having children spoiled the athletic vessel. That wasn’t easy. I had come to find my identity in the image of a soldier. I took pride in my 6 pack and 14 minute 2 mile run time. Having children transformed a glorious athletic vase to a big round fruit bowl...with big, juicy melons.
Because I had built my identity in my role as a soldier, I went through a mini identity crisis. My identity was in my role. My identity reflected the role and not the God.
God, Elohiym, created us in His image. Genesis 1:27 tells us that “ God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Made in His image means we are built to reflect Him. What does that actually look like? I can guarantee it does not mean an identity in temporal things. Reflecting the Triune God means placing our identity in eternity. It means viewing ourselves with His eyes.
We are clay people. Glorious clay.
My children are older, and I remain the shape of a fruit bowl...but the melons have retreated to the size of nectarines.
With summer in full swing, naturally I recoil at the thought of public swimming. But why? Why does it matter that I am a fruit bowl? Why do I still condemn myself for no longer being a vase?
Truth is, I have spent the last several years trying to be a vase again. Diet and exercise alone are not delivering the external results I want. So, I am learning to give myself grace. I eat healthy and get my 10,000 steps. Rather than scold myself for extra padding, I get off my back and thank God for a body that works. Because I am really His clay after all. He can change and reshape me to suit His purposes according to His will. If I cannot be a vase, then I want to be one hell of a fruit bowl.
But that was long ago. Before deployments, before children...before 40 additional lbs. I am no longer a soldier. I traded my G.I. Joe for Suzy Homemaker over 10 years ago and never regretted it.
As I reflect on how far I’ve come, I linger on what used to be.
I used to be in shape…
I used to be size __…
I used to weigh ___…
I used to be…different…
Truth be told, I marvel at how different I really am. My friend knew someone who, in many ways, no longer exists.
People are like that: constantly changing but still remaining same.
In Jeremiah 18, God instructs the prophet Jeremiah to go down to the potter’s house for a lesson. Jeremiah recounts:
Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. 4 But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make.
5 Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, 6 “Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.
Like the clay, like the house of Israel, I am nothing more than clay in the Potter’s hands. At one time I was one shape, but I was “remade into another vessel, as it pleased the Potter to make.”
When my friend knew me, I was a glorious athletic vase of sorts. My body was the image of a soldier. It needed to be for that season. I needed to ruck 40lbs on my back for 20 miles in boots. I needed to run and low crawl under barbed wire with my M16 rifle. I needed those biceps, abs, and legs to accomplish the mission and tasks set before me.
Having children spoiled the athletic vessel. That wasn’t easy. I had come to find my identity in the image of a soldier. I took pride in my 6 pack and 14 minute 2 mile run time. Having children transformed a glorious athletic vase to a big round fruit bowl...with big, juicy melons.
Because I had built my identity in my role as a soldier, I went through a mini identity crisis. My identity was in my role. My identity reflected the role and not the God.
God, Elohiym, created us in His image. Genesis 1:27 tells us that “ God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Made in His image means we are built to reflect Him. What does that actually look like? I can guarantee it does not mean an identity in temporal things. Reflecting the Triune God means placing our identity in eternity. It means viewing ourselves with His eyes.
We are clay people. Glorious clay.
My children are older, and I remain the shape of a fruit bowl...but the melons have retreated to the size of nectarines.
With summer in full swing, naturally I recoil at the thought of public swimming. But why? Why does it matter that I am a fruit bowl? Why do I still condemn myself for no longer being a vase?
Truth is, I have spent the last several years trying to be a vase again. Diet and exercise alone are not delivering the external results I want. So, I am learning to give myself grace. I eat healthy and get my 10,000 steps. Rather than scold myself for extra padding, I get off my back and thank God for a body that works. Because I am really His clay after all. He can change and reshape me to suit His purposes according to His will. If I cannot be a vase, then I want to be one hell of a fruit bowl.
Ruminate, People
Her teeth came down hard. I felt a crack and knew my life would never be the same. Although the pain was severe, I held onto the prize: a stinky ball of rumen. (Okay...so maybe “my life would never be the same” is a bit dramatic...but now I have intimate knowledge of goat teeth anatomy when I hadn’t before).
I was victorious in the battle of goat rumen. All you goat dairy farmers know what unhealthy rumen means. For all you normal people, let me explain:
Goats are ruminants. Like all ruminants (cows, sheep, rabbits etc.) goats rely on a healthy microbial environment in their gut to properly digest food. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal. Sick microbes equals sick animal.
I had a sick animal. A very sick goat named Godiva. The expression, “sick as a goat,” is illuminated when one actually has a sick goat. More often than not, when a farmer realizes a goat is sick, the poor goat is already dead. Regarding my Godiva, I knew I didn’t have much time.
Godiva is one of my nubian dairy goats. I love the breed’s elegant roman profiles, long pendulous ears, and God’s creativity in their color and coat patterns. I have been breeding for one especially rare pattern called “moon spots.” In my humble opinion, Jacob of the Bible had it right when he chose the goats with spots (Gen. 30:25-31:16). They are the most unique and lovely of all.
Myobsession admiration for spotted goats has grown as I have bred multiple generations. Since they are dairy goats, it is important for the farmer (me) to bond with the herd. My dairy girls know and trust me. Their exemplary behavior on the milk stand testifies to our relationship. Here, manners are crucial; no bucket kicking allowed! (Side note: the expression “don’t cry over spilled milk” undoubtedly was first uttered in a dairy barn. I empathize with both the dairy maid who lost her progress from one ill tempered hoof and with the cow...I breast fed 4 children and I certainly would be cheeky too).
My relationship with the herd and individual goats gives me deeper insight into our relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus says, “I am the Good Shepherd” (John 10:1-21). For most, His declaration elicits images of a bearded man carrying a lamb across his shoulders. True, Christ does “carry us through.” But this imagery implies He is only near in our most desperate times.
Truth is, our Good Shepherd is always near. God promises, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
A good shepherd continuously watches over the herd. Good shepherds, like Jesus, interact with their herd daily. They study them and pay attention to their needs. They know what feed to provide and when and how much. They notice when their animal loses condition as evidence of an underlying illness. After all, external cues signify internal happenings.
Just like with people, “what comes out” (Matthew 15:18) reflects what is in.
As children of God, He tells us to “meditate on scriptures day and night” (Joshua 1:8). Merriam Webster defines meditate as “reflect, ponder, muse, ruminate…” We must continuously digest, process, re-digest, re-process His word for our health! We must ruminate. Healthy thoughts equals healthy person. Sick thoughts equals sick person.
So why, at the beginning of this article, did I have my hand in a goat’s mouth? It wasn’t simply to steal her rumen. I was taking one goat’s healthy rumen and putting it in the mouth of the sick goat. Godiva was sick. She didn’t have healthy rumen. She needed the healthy microbes of a healthy herd mate to help heal her gut. A few healthy microbes is enough to establish an entire colony. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal.
Just like my goats in the herd, we need one another. We need other believers (a herd community of sorts) to feed us right thoughts grounded in the word of God. We will all experience sickness in our thoughts from time to time. But we have time to heal to our minds and establish colonies of good thought. We must exhort one another, encourage and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Godiva had to be built up and like people, she couldn’t do it on her own.
Sometimes, we don’t like hearing the truth. It stinks. It stinks like microbial ridden rumen. But the wise know His truth is beneficial. Truth saves. His word is rich and life giving! It is alive and it keeps us alive.
Godiva is alive today. She is on the mend from whatever ailed her. I still don’t know how she got sick in the first place. But I know, a thumb crunched in the mouth of a goat was worth it. Cheers to ruminates!
I was victorious in the battle of goat rumen. All you goat dairy farmers know what unhealthy rumen means. For all you normal people, let me explain:
Goats are ruminants. Like all ruminants (cows, sheep, rabbits etc.) goats rely on a healthy microbial environment in their gut to properly digest food. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal. Sick microbes equals sick animal.
I had a sick animal. A very sick goat named Godiva. The expression, “sick as a goat,” is illuminated when one actually has a sick goat. More often than not, when a farmer realizes a goat is sick, the poor goat is already dead. Regarding my Godiva, I knew I didn’t have much time.
Godiva is one of my nubian dairy goats. I love the breed’s elegant roman profiles, long pendulous ears, and God’s creativity in their color and coat patterns. I have been breeding for one especially rare pattern called “moon spots.” In my humble opinion, Jacob of the Bible had it right when he chose the goats with spots (Gen. 30:25-31:16). They are the most unique and lovely of all.
My
My relationship with the herd and individual goats gives me deeper insight into our relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus says, “I am the Good Shepherd” (John 10:1-21). For most, His declaration elicits images of a bearded man carrying a lamb across his shoulders. True, Christ does “carry us through.” But this imagery implies He is only near in our most desperate times.
Truth is, our Good Shepherd is always near. God promises, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
A good shepherd continuously watches over the herd. Good shepherds, like Jesus, interact with their herd daily. They study them and pay attention to their needs. They know what feed to provide and when and how much. They notice when their animal loses condition as evidence of an underlying illness. After all, external cues signify internal happenings.
Just like with people, “what comes out” (Matthew 15:18) reflects what is in.
As children of God, He tells us to “meditate on scriptures day and night” (Joshua 1:8). Merriam Webster defines meditate as “reflect, ponder, muse, ruminate…” We must continuously digest, process, re-digest, re-process His word for our health! We must ruminate. Healthy thoughts equals healthy person. Sick thoughts equals sick person.
So why, at the beginning of this article, did I have my hand in a goat’s mouth? It wasn’t simply to steal her rumen. I was taking one goat’s healthy rumen and putting it in the mouth of the sick goat. Godiva was sick. She didn’t have healthy rumen. She needed the healthy microbes of a healthy herd mate to help heal her gut. A few healthy microbes is enough to establish an entire colony. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal.
Just like my goats in the herd, we need one another. We need other believers (a herd community of sorts) to feed us right thoughts grounded in the word of God. We will all experience sickness in our thoughts from time to time. But we have time to heal to our minds and establish colonies of good thought. We must exhort one another, encourage and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Godiva had to be built up and like people, she couldn’t do it on her own.
Sometimes, we don’t like hearing the truth. It stinks. It stinks like microbial ridden rumen. But the wise know His truth is beneficial. Truth saves. His word is rich and life giving! It is alive and it keeps us alive.
Godiva is alive today. She is on the mend from whatever ailed her. I still don’t know how she got sick in the first place. But I know, a thumb crunched in the mouth of a goat was worth it. Cheers to ruminates!
Walk Through the Valley
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
--Psalm 23:4-6
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”
In my life, I have literally and figuratively walked through valleys of deathly shadows. One particular long season of grief and suffering, I recall reading Psalm 23. I was struggling, wrestling with why: Why so long? Why so much? Why so hard? Why again?
As I read
“even though…(insert worse case scenario here)... I will fear no evil”
Why shouldn’t I fear?
Because: “You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
A rod and staff are tools used by shepherds to train and guide their sheep. They are used to rescue sheep from danger. They are used to gently tap on their backs to communicate the direction the shepherd wants the sheep to go. If one goes that direction, the flock follows. So, the “rod and staff” not only mean the best for the individual, but also for the whole flock.
I imagined I was a scared little sheep. What would I do? Would I lean into my shepherd like my goats lean into my legs as I walk them to pasture?
One time, I left a young buck in a neighbor’s pen. She was considering keeping him to breed her does. Overnight, she changed her mind and decided to go with a different breed. The morning I went to get him, she was at work. Her large Anatolian dog was very aggressive to my poor buck. He was chasing him around the pen mercilessly. The young buck had never been chased by a dog before. He was terrified, crying, and bleating...he could not escape that dog.
I ran to the pen and let my buck out. I positioned myself between him and the rowdy dog. The dog, knowing me, gave up his game. My buck leaned his side hard into the side of my calf. We walked the entire length of the country drive, through the front gate, and to my vehicle. He never was not leaning into my leg. The dog trotted happily on the other side, understanding I no longer needed him to herd my goat. I tenderly pick my goat up, checked his ears and legs for scratches and loaded him up.
Twix the goat and I bonded that day. I couldn’t bring myself to sell him, so I had him wethered (a story for another time). To this day, he is the first of my herd to greet me. He is the only goat I have easily trained on a halter because he demonstrates affectionate loyalty towards me.
I want to demonstrate affectionate loyalty toward God like that. He is my Shepherd. Even when I suffer and struggle, He is with me. He is LORD over it. I need to lean into Him. I don’t need to know how long the road is. That doesn’t matter. I just need to trust that He’s got me right where I need to be, for my good and His glory.
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;”
People are watching. This reminds me to “pray for those who persecute (me)” (Matt. 5:43-48). The Anatolian dog who chased my goat; he didn’t know any better. He wasn’t trained or disciplined not to do that. My goat couldn’t get him to stop, but I could. Therefore, don’t worry if you are powerless to stop others who harm you. God can and He says He will. Trust Him and His timing. Remember, it might not be the rescue we think we need. So we surrender our will and our expectations over to His sovereignty.
“You have anointed my head with oil”
In ancient times, the “chosen ones” like kings, were anointed with oil by a prophet or high priest as a sign to the people the individual was set apart. Oil was also used in the anointing of wounds. Even today, oil has several medicinal uses.
Not only are believers in the Lord Jesus Christ set apart as children of God, sons and daughters of the true KING, but also our wounds can heal because of what He did, He does, and He will do. There is suffering in this lifetime, but we have hope and faith that our suffering will not only end, but also be of use (James 1:2-4).
“My cup overflows, surely goodness and kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 61:4 and Chicken Wings
Psalms 61:4
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah
How privileged I am to “dwell” with the Lord God. When I imagine the security, provision, and comfort of “dwelling” and “refuge under the shelter of your wings” I think of my chickens.
A broody hen will sit, devoted to her eggs for weeks. Anything or anyone who approaches is subject to a stern peck and clucky scolding. She puffs out her feathers and flattens her body over the brood. She sacrifices herself for the life of these babes. Some hens will not leave the nest for food or water (in those cases, I move her and the nest to a brooding cage with food and water where the other birds cannot bother her).
When the chicks hatch, she carefully gathers them under herself. She walks them around the barnyard, calling them back to her often as she teaches them to scratch for food and dip beaks to drink. I have witnessed mama hens chase away dogs and curious cats from their chicks. I have seen mama hens scurry their babies to the shelter of her wings when a hawk flies overhead. In fact, I have heard many stories of the hen even dying as she protects the chicks.
What is even more remarkable, is that a broody hen will hatch other birds and raise them as her own. I have had chickens hatch ducklings and turkeys. They love them just the same. I am comforted reflecting on this fact: I am adopted into the family of God through Christ, and He loves me just the same. Not by anything I did or could ever do.
An egg only sits in the nest. It seems almost like a rock, no sign of life. But when the egg is fertilized and receives heat and the right conditions take place, a heart starts beating. Like people who hear the Word, however, not all hearts keep beating. Some stop developing. I don’t know why. They just don’t thrive. Some die in the shell right when they should be hatching. Others hatch but are too weak and die. Then there are the eggs that hatch healthy chicks. They grow up and have their own chicks. Those chicks take shelter under wings.
This simple fact of creation binds me to the psalter: what he watched, I watch. His God is my God. That’s really something.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah
How privileged I am to “dwell” with the Lord God. When I imagine the security, provision, and comfort of “dwelling” and “refuge under the shelter of your wings” I think of my chickens.
A broody hen will sit, devoted to her eggs for weeks. Anything or anyone who approaches is subject to a stern peck and clucky scolding. She puffs out her feathers and flattens her body over the brood. She sacrifices herself for the life of these babes. Some hens will not leave the nest for food or water (in those cases, I move her and the nest to a brooding cage with food and water where the other birds cannot bother her).
When the chicks hatch, she carefully gathers them under herself. She walks them around the barnyard, calling them back to her often as she teaches them to scratch for food and dip beaks to drink. I have witnessed mama hens chase away dogs and curious cats from their chicks. I have seen mama hens scurry their babies to the shelter of her wings when a hawk flies overhead. In fact, I have heard many stories of the hen even dying as she protects the chicks.
What is even more remarkable, is that a broody hen will hatch other birds and raise them as her own. I have had chickens hatch ducklings and turkeys. They love them just the same. I am comforted reflecting on this fact: I am adopted into the family of God through Christ, and He loves me just the same. Not by anything I did or could ever do.
An egg only sits in the nest. It seems almost like a rock, no sign of life. But when the egg is fertilized and receives heat and the right conditions take place, a heart starts beating. Like people who hear the Word, however, not all hearts keep beating. Some stop developing. I don’t know why. They just don’t thrive. Some die in the shell right when they should be hatching. Others hatch but are too weak and die. Then there are the eggs that hatch healthy chicks. They grow up and have their own chicks. Those chicks take shelter under wings.
This simple fact of creation binds me to the psalter: what he watched, I watch. His God is my God. That’s really something.
Not Knocking, Just Challenging
1 Peter 3:3-4-- “Your adornment must not be merely external...but let it be the hidden person of the heart…”
Heart in Greek is kardia. It refers to the imagination/morality/understanding of the mind. In Hebrew, the similar concept for heart is lebab. Deuteronomy 6:4 says “Love the LORD your God with all your heart (kol lebab), all your soul (kol nephesh), and all your strength (kol m’od). A word study on lebab/kardia reveals the heart is unique to humankind. Therefore, “the hidden person of the heart is also unique to humankind.
This matters to me because I struggle with body image. Like so many women, the external person of the physical body becomes an idol. It becomes the thing that matters most: exercise and you’ll be thinner, eat healthy and you’ll lose weight, wear that brand to make your butt look better, use this make-up and you’ll look sexier, spend a fortune on skincare so you look younger...
It’s a bombardment and assault on the heart. Over and over we are flooded with images and ideas that scream: YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH THE WAY GOD MADE YOU! DO THIS, USE THAT AND YOU CAN ACHIEVE GODLINESS...oh yeah...but it doesn’t involve God.
Sounds just like Genesis 3. The serpent assured woman that she would be more like God if she ate the fruit. But eating the fruit meant she could be like God, without God. “Made in the image of God” was not enough to be like God. Humankind chose idolatry: they chose something that would fill a need where they believed God would not.
1 Peter 3:3-4 reminds me that I am enough just the way I am. I am not enough because of anything I have done. I am enough because of what Jesus Christ ALREADY DID. My external body will fade and wither...but the inner person of my lebab/kardia will remain. That is who I want to invest in. She is who I can focus my beauty regime time/energy on.
I am NOT KNOCKING any skincare folks or fitness gurus...just challenging my brothers and sisters in Christ to evaluate why. An idol is ANYTHING that we say, "yes...this will satisfy me where God does not." Remember, the LORD God is our refuge and our strength.
Heart in Greek is kardia. It refers to the imagination/morality/understanding of the mind. In Hebrew, the similar concept for heart is lebab. Deuteronomy 6:4 says “Love the LORD your God with all your heart (kol lebab), all your soul (kol nephesh), and all your strength (kol m’od). A word study on lebab/kardia reveals the heart is unique to humankind. Therefore, “the hidden person of the heart is also unique to humankind.
This matters to me because I struggle with body image. Like so many women, the external person of the physical body becomes an idol. It becomes the thing that matters most: exercise and you’ll be thinner, eat healthy and you’ll lose weight, wear that brand to make your butt look better, use this make-up and you’ll look sexier, spend a fortune on skincare so you look younger...
It’s a bombardment and assault on the heart. Over and over we are flooded with images and ideas that scream: YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH THE WAY GOD MADE YOU! DO THIS, USE THAT AND YOU CAN ACHIEVE GODLINESS...oh yeah...but it doesn’t involve God.
Sounds just like Genesis 3. The serpent assured woman that she would be more like God if she ate the fruit. But eating the fruit meant she could be like God, without God. “Made in the image of God” was not enough to be like God. Humankind chose idolatry: they chose something that would fill a need where they believed God would not.
1 Peter 3:3-4 reminds me that I am enough just the way I am. I am not enough because of anything I have done. I am enough because of what Jesus Christ ALREADY DID. My external body will fade and wither...but the inner person of my lebab/kardia will remain. That is who I want to invest in. She is who I can focus my beauty regime time/energy on.
I am NOT KNOCKING any skincare folks or fitness gurus...just challenging my brothers and sisters in Christ to evaluate why. An idol is ANYTHING that we say, "yes...this will satisfy me where God does not." Remember, the LORD God is our refuge and our strength.
The Wind Poem
It started as a breeze, gently moving loose strands of hair across my face. These common breezes rarely build so suddenly to a gale. Rather, they offer comfort to cool from hard work.
They sweep their hands across the grassy pastures making earth move like sea. Round leaves catch light and twinkle like gowns of sequence.
A light breeze chases away mosquitoes.
When the young fruit trees start to bend I wonder if I staked them well enough. I watch how flexible they are, dancing in the wind, bending low as they get jostled.
Seed heads of the milkweeds burst open, releasing hundreds of seeds into the sky.
So one day, after the breeze blew away the mosquitoes, and the young fruit trees were bending, I jumped into the wind with the milkweed seed.
I let the wind carry me where it wanted.
At first, I was terrified. then exhilarated. then apprehensive. then relieved. then terrified again.
The wind carried me away from my home and my land. Under my feet, flew birds. I looked down and realized that what I was doing was quite unnatural for a human.
Panic set in, my arms started flapping. Maybe I thought it was up to me to fly. But humans can't fly. I wasn't flying. I am not a bird.
As I fought the air current, I realized to my horror, that I had no control of the wind. It was stronger than me. It could smash me to the ground in an instant.
Suddenly, I was falling.
As I fell, I felt no breeze. The hair didn't even tickle my face.
I cursed myself for being so foolish as to jump into the gale.
And then, I contemplated the irony of birds under my feet. So I laughed and readied myself for the end of me.
But I didn't end.
The wind swooped me over the grassy pastures. We made waves over the earth as if it were sea.We wore gowns of twinkling leaves. And my feet never touched the ground again.
They sweep their hands across the grassy pastures making earth move like sea. Round leaves catch light and twinkle like gowns of sequence.
A light breeze chases away mosquitoes.
When the young fruit trees start to bend I wonder if I staked them well enough. I watch how flexible they are, dancing in the wind, bending low as they get jostled.
Seed heads of the milkweeds burst open, releasing hundreds of seeds into the sky.
So one day, after the breeze blew away the mosquitoes, and the young fruit trees were bending, I jumped into the wind with the milkweed seed.
I let the wind carry me where it wanted.
At first, I was terrified. then exhilarated. then apprehensive. then relieved. then terrified again.
The wind carried me away from my home and my land. Under my feet, flew birds. I looked down and realized that what I was doing was quite unnatural for a human.
Panic set in, my arms started flapping. Maybe I thought it was up to me to fly. But humans can't fly. I wasn't flying. I am not a bird.
As I fought the air current, I realized to my horror, that I had no control of the wind. It was stronger than me. It could smash me to the ground in an instant.
Suddenly, I was falling.
As I fell, I felt no breeze. The hair didn't even tickle my face.
I cursed myself for being so foolish as to jump into the gale.
And then, I contemplated the irony of birds under my feet. So I laughed and readied myself for the end of me.
But I didn't end.
The wind swooped me over the grassy pastures. We made waves over the earth as if it were sea.We wore gowns of twinkling leaves. And my feet never touched the ground again.
Living and Decaying
For the creation was subjected to futility, not by its own will, but because of the One who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until the present time… (Romans 8:20-22)
I have an old dog. Jack is almost 15 years old. That’s a long life for a black lab. Owning a dog is more than simply caring for the creature’s need. Jack has been a constant companion and faithful soul. I got him before I married, before kids, before seminary and launching a non-profit. After God, Jack has personally witnessed more of my life changes than any other living being.
He mostly lays around these days; shivering at room temperature. His hearing is virtually gone. His eyes can barely see although they still hold a kind and good expression. He manages to pull himself up to a stand and gingerly walk outside to void a couple times a day. His back legs are terribly atrophied from years of arthritis.
I sit on the floor to hold his head in my lap and rub his tired old muscles. I say, “You’re still the best dog.” He understands.
I remember when my sweet old Jack was young and vibrant. I remember when his coat had more luster and his legs didn’t shake. I remember running with him, playing in rivers, watching him leap to catch frisbees in the air. But now his skin is thin and his ribs stick out. He can’t even squat to relieve himself without collapsing from exertion.
Jack is dying. As he lives, he decays. He is creation groaning together with the whole of creation. And I know to the core of my soul, that his suffering is my fault.
Sin entered the world through humankind, ushering in a curse over the whole of creation. Decay and death are not the way it’s supposed to be. Yet here we all exist: living and decaying. The sin of one infected all humanity with sin. Sin was imputed to us. But Jesus Christ’s righteousness is imputed to all those who believe:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly...Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—13 To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law.14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! (Romans 5)
Without Jesus, there is no hope, no freedom from the bonds of sin (Rom. 6). But a relationship with the Lord means that even though current creation decays and wastes away, the faithful will one day live in a new creation (Isaiah 43:18-19; Ephesians 2; Revelation 21:5).
I have faith in Jesus Christ as my savior and I entrust my soul to His care. I don’t know where Jack’s soul will go to after his body fully gives out here on earth. But I trust that God loves His creation more than I do and He has a good plan for all His animals. In the meantime, I will continue to strive to help creation live up to its full potential as I live and decay with them...even if that means doggie diapers for a geriatric pup.
Jack the dog with his family.
I have an old dog. Jack is almost 15 years old. That’s a long life for a black lab. Owning a dog is more than simply caring for the creature’s need. Jack has been a constant companion and faithful soul. I got him before I married, before kids, before seminary and launching a non-profit. After God, Jack has personally witnessed more of my life changes than any other living being.
He mostly lays around these days; shivering at room temperature. His hearing is virtually gone. His eyes can barely see although they still hold a kind and good expression. He manages to pull himself up to a stand and gingerly walk outside to void a couple times a day. His back legs are terribly atrophied from years of arthritis.
I sit on the floor to hold his head in my lap and rub his tired old muscles. I say, “You’re still the best dog.” He understands.
I remember when my sweet old Jack was young and vibrant. I remember when his coat had more luster and his legs didn’t shake. I remember running with him, playing in rivers, watching him leap to catch frisbees in the air. But now his skin is thin and his ribs stick out. He can’t even squat to relieve himself without collapsing from exertion.
Jack is dying. As he lives, he decays. He is creation groaning together with the whole of creation. And I know to the core of my soul, that his suffering is my fault.
Sin entered the world through humankind, ushering in a curse over the whole of creation. Decay and death are not the way it’s supposed to be. Yet here we all exist: living and decaying. The sin of one infected all humanity with sin. Sin was imputed to us. But Jesus Christ’s righteousness is imputed to all those who believe:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly...Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—13 To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law.14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! (Romans 5)
Without Jesus, there is no hope, no freedom from the bonds of sin (Rom. 6). But a relationship with the Lord means that even though current creation decays and wastes away, the faithful will one day live in a new creation (Isaiah 43:18-19; Ephesians 2; Revelation 21:5).
I have faith in Jesus Christ as my savior and I entrust my soul to His care. I don’t know where Jack’s soul will go to after his body fully gives out here on earth. But I trust that God loves His creation more than I do and He has a good plan for all His animals. In the meantime, I will continue to strive to help creation live up to its full potential as I live and decay with them...even if that means doggie diapers for a geriatric pup.
Jack the dog with his family.
Friday, August 23, 2019
My Psalms 136
Psalms 136 is a psalm of praise. The concept of praise is "to speak of His name." (For more on psalms, I highly recommend Dr. Ronald Allen's And I Will Praise Him: A Guide to Worship in Psalms).
So, I WILL SPEAK OF HIS NAME and tell you what God has done in my life, just like the psalmist recounted what God had done in the life of Israel.
Give thanks to the LORD for He is good
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the God of gods
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the LORD of lords
His love endures forever
To Him who alone does great wonders
His love endures forever
Who by His understanding made the heavens
His love endures forever
Who spread out the earth upon the waters
His love endures forever
Who made the great lights
His love endures forever
The sun to govern the day
His love endures forever
The moon and the stars to govern the night
His love endures forever
To Him who brought justice
His love endures forever
Who provided for my mom and her children
His love endures forever
when her husband left, the children abandoned
His love endures forever
the church, His body and bride loved her and her children
His love endures forever
To Him who counseled
His love endures forever
Who gives a new song
His love endures forever
restores my broken with kindness and gentleness
His love endures forever
To God who gave me a husband and children
His love endures forever
provided a place to dwell and a way
His love endures forever
to glorify His great name through creation
His love endures forever
a farm, a time, a space
His love endures forever
Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me
His love endures forever
Who freed us from our enemy
His love endures forever
and who gives food to every creature
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the God of heaven
His love endures forever
So, I WILL SPEAK OF HIS NAME and tell you what God has done in my life, just like the psalmist recounted what God had done in the life of Israel.
Give thanks to the LORD for He is good
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the God of gods
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the LORD of lords
His love endures forever
To Him who alone does great wonders
His love endures forever
Who by His understanding made the heavens
His love endures forever
Who spread out the earth upon the waters
His love endures forever
Who made the great lights
His love endures forever
The sun to govern the day
His love endures forever
The moon and the stars to govern the night
His love endures forever
To Him who brought justice
His love endures forever
Who provided for my mom and her children
His love endures forever
when her husband left, the children abandoned
His love endures forever
the church, His body and bride loved her and her children
His love endures forever
To Him who counseled
His love endures forever
Who gives a new song
His love endures forever
restores my broken with kindness and gentleness
His love endures forever
To God who gave me a husband and children
His love endures forever
provided a place to dwell and a way
His love endures forever
to glorify His great name through creation
His love endures forever
a farm, a time, a space
His love endures forever
Never will He leave me, never will He forsake me
His love endures forever
Who freed us from our enemy
His love endures forever
and who gives food to every creature
His love endures forever
Give thanks to the God of heaven
His love endures forever
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
The Scared Space of Stories
I get to sit and rock on my porch with many people.
As I go along in the care farm ministry, I find value permitting my heart and mind to release the pain and seek comfort from Jesus. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says,
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
If I am a comfort at all to those who share their stories in that sacred space of my porch, it is only because I am learning to let God comfort me.
I get to share my stories in a scared space with the LORD. Oftentimes, I am snuggling a rabbit or holding a newborn baby goat or gently nesting a chick in my hand while the other hand is free to hold a cuppa...
Oftentimes, we are snuggling a rabbit or holding a newborn baby goat or gently nesting a chick in our hand while the other hand is free to hold a cuppa...
It is in these shared spaces of sipping tea and nurturing little creatures, stories are shared.
These stories are neither fairy tales nor folklore...they are human stories. Stories of suffering, endurance, and pain. They are stories written on the ragged, bloodied, and torn pages of the lives of broken people. Some of these people are survivors of human trafficking. Others are teenagers who wear sleeves of scars from self harm. There are abused women who dare to breath out the darkness beaten into them. There are children who innocently describe an atrocity as if it were common knowledge all humanity experiences.
I sit and listen. Pleading with God in my mind and heart to heal these precious ones. Sometimes it is not appropriate to weep as stories are shared. I have learned to breath through these stories, assuring my heart that later we can weep and mourn and lament this moment with God privately. But for that moment, that human sharing their story needs me present and listening, not overcome by emotion...
If I weep, then they will know their story hurts me. If they are distracted by my pain, they cannot get out their own pain. They will not be comforted, but rather, they will get confirmation that their story is too overwhelming to be dealt with. More walls will go up and more pain and more darkness and more isolation will overcome them.
The Bible instructs us to "mourn with those who mourn" (Rom. 12:15). If the person sharing the story is not mourning, that is, they are not actively grieving (either because they have all ready grieved, they don't want to grieve, or they are unaware it is grievous), it is not my time to mourn. Because in that situation, if I mourn without them, than I am only mourning for myself and I do not "mourn with those who mourn."
However, if they get to a safe and sacred space to weep, I weep with them. I don't hold back. I am present on the ash heap of their despair.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
If I am a comfort at all to those who share their stories in that sacred space of my porch, it is only because I am learning to let God comfort me.
I get to share my stories in a scared space with the LORD. Oftentimes, I am snuggling a rabbit or holding a newborn baby goat or gently nesting a chick in my hand while the other hand is free to hold a cuppa...
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
The Woman, the Rock, the Person
A Woman once went walking
And discovered a person pinned beneath a large rock.
The person was alive, but barely breathing. There was a small pocket under the rock where they had curled under to avoid being crushed.
"HELP!" the Woman cried out, "This person is stuck!"
She tried to move the rock herself, but she couldn't make it budge.
She laid down in the dirt to hold their hand, assuring them she wouldn't leave, offering comfort and hope that soon they'd find relief.
The Woman, then, heard someone approaching. It was a man who loved the gym. He worked out everyday and it showed. The Woman was relieved! Finally, someone strong enough to help her move the rock.
"Please, come quick! There's someone trapped under this rock..." she pleaded.
When the strong man came upon them, he replied, "This person should have known better than to let that rock crush them. Look at me, I know to use my knees and not my back. They'll need to learn their lesson just like I did." And he walked away.
Soon after, the Woman heard someone else approaching. It was another man, but this man was an older gentleman carrying a laptop bag. He was a professor. The Woman was relieved! Finally, someone knowledgeable enough to help her move the rock.
"Please, come quick! There's someone trapped under this rock..." she pleaded.
When the professor came upon them, he replied, "I will design the best contraption for lifting the rock off of them. It will be a spectacular invention and will help many people lift rocks off themselves, but it will take several years to get the design, the patent, and then build it...but I'll come back then!" And he walked away.
It was getting late. The person asked the Woman for some food and water, which she promptly provided. She laid down in the dirt, holding the person's hand, assuring them help would come soon.
Finally, the Woman heard a vehicle approaching. It was a man in a tow truck. The Woman was relieved! Finally, someone with the right equipment to help her move the rock.
"Please, come quick! There's someone trapped under this rock..." she pleaded.
When the man in the tow truck came upon them, he replied, "I ain't helping that fag! Look at that arm! Clearly some effeminate freak. God hates them kind!" Then he raped the Woman and drove away.
Night was approaching. The Woman laid down in the dirt again to hold the hand of the person trapped under the rock.
She felt ashamed. She felt like a failure. She felt hopeless.
She prayed and wept. Her tears turning the dust to mud. She wanted to die. She wanted to bury herself with that person buried under the rock.
She started digging. Digging her grave, she thought.
She started digging down into the dirt and scooped piles away touching the person's arm. Then it occurred to her.
The Woman kept digging. She dug down and moved earth under the person's shoulders. Then she could get under the body to dig away earth under their back and legs. Her nails broke to pieces as she clawed through the ground.
She crawled out from under the person and gently but firmly pulled them out from under the rock.
She wiped the dirt from their face
And found it was Herself.
And found it was Herself.
Monday, January 7, 2019
What is a Care Farm?
Ever wonder what we do at Simple Sparrow care farm? Watch this short video to learn more:
https://youtu.be/QR1Rs0WWE7Y
https://youtu.be/QR1Rs0WWE7Y
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