26 Things Learned the Hard Way

1. Remember to put the seat down after your older brother just used the toilet (age 2)
2. I don't like lamb chops (age 3)
3. Putting your finger down your throat WILL make you throw up (age 4)
4. Don't put the mixer on "HIGH" when you've just added flour (age 5)
5. When your uncle tells you grasshoppers are delicious, don't believe him (age 6)
6. Don't try to catch grasshoppers in your mouth on your uncle's motorcycle (age 6)
7. Uncles are mean spirited and enjoy laughing at you (age 6)
8. When you play in the sandbox of someone who has cats, be extra careful (age 7)
9. When a rooster runs at you, he does not want to be friends (age 8)
10. Feed your pet rabbit (age 9)
11. Pet graves are hard to dig in winter (age 9)
12. Boy are gross (age 10)
13. I really did like that boy (age 14)
14. Don't offer to help just to be nice (age 15)
15. Move your foot slowly off the clutch (age 16)
16. Those lamb chops were OUR baby lambs (age 17)
17. College exams are easier if you go to class (age 18)
18. The "courtesy flush" is a courtesy to yourself (age 19)
19. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea (age 20)
    
20. "That Boy" really did like me too (we got married) (age 21)
21. When your midwife says,"Don't push,"... DON'T PUSH! (age 23)
22. Tuck the baby boy's penis down in the diaper (age 23)
23. Newborn boys have surprising accurate aim (age 23)
24. Pick up the dog poop in the yard BEFORE your toddler goes out to play (age 24)
25. Don't assume your 9 month old can't climb out of the shopping cart (age 25)
26. It is by the grace of God that I am alive to celebrate another birthday (age 1-26)

"Mommy, I drink water..."

Sometimes kids say things and you say, "Great... good..." not paying attention and keep doing what you were doing.  No need to be alarmed.  Kids say a lot of things and, "Mommy, I drink water..." is not a statement that is cause for alarm.  Until you turn around and see that your child is drinking the water out of the fish tank.  What does one DO after such a moment?  Of course you take the air filter tube out of his mouth that he is using for a straw.  Of course you tell him, "never do that again," as you reattach his straw to the air pump.  

But then what?  Wash his mouth with anti-bacterial soap?  Pour iodine on his tongue?  hydrogen peroxide?  bactine?  

You do nothing.  Because there is nothing you can do... nothing but pray he doesn't catch some deadly bacteria.  And then give him a glass of water and remember not to let him drink out of your glass.

The "BUMP!" in the Night

If you've spent more than 10 minutes ever talking to my husband, you know that I talk in my sleep.  I even sleep walk.  Have for years.  Don't know when I do it or what causes me to get up in dream sleep and incorporate waking life.  

Strange.  

For those of you who suffer from "vivid sleep" as I do (I made that up... you won't find that on Wikipedia) you know how awful it is... you can't help it! 

During pregnancy was the worst.  I could swear there were bugs and spiders crawling and leaping at me in my sleep.  When I tried to show Eric they were REALLY there and not just a figment of my imagination, they were gone... but ready to come out again as soon as Eric rolled over back to sleep.  

Poor Eric.  

Many a night he has awoken to my screams and scrabbling out of bed to avoid a figment of my imagination.  

 

Just the other night Jude came into our room in the middle of the night.  Not so much as a peep out of him... course I wouldn't be able to hear him over my talking.  He climbed up and snuggled down by our feet.  

What's the dog doing down there?  He's not supposed to be on the bed.  My feet... I can't move my feet.  My legs are aching... I need to stretch them... but that stupid dog is laying right there... 

BUMP!

What the h--- was that!?

Eric and I both shot up in bed.  For once the figment of my imagination was REAL!  Sort of.  

Poor Jude.

He was crying... jerked awake from a sound sleep by getting kicked off the bed.  

Oops.

 

Don't Spill the Beans!

I never truly understood the meaning of "Don't spill the beans" until this morning. My husband starting roasting me coffee. It's delicious. It's fabulous. It's the best cup of coffee you'll ever have. Every bean is cherished. Every bean.
These beans are to me as the lost coin is to the women (as repenters are to God: Luke 15:8-10). There was rejoicing at finding every last bean that had spilled. A whole lot of rejoicing because there were a whole lot of beans... a whole bag to be exact. And Jude reenacting "Woody-walks-across-the room-through-a-mindfield-of-cheese-puffs" scene (Toy Story 2) did not help.

Oh well. All the beans were found... rejoice with me: come over for lattes!

Oops... Hope No One Heard That

The cardio equipment at our gym have individual TVs attached. You bring in your own headphones and zone out in your own little world of cardio fitness. Unfortunately, while in my zone, I sometimes forget there are others around me.
If I see something funny on TV, I laugh. If I agree with something someone says on TV, I say,"That's right... so true." To me, my commentaries are appropriate. To others at the gym, I am sure they are annoying.
Annoying, I know, because I am annoyed when I hear someone hooting away at Comedy Central while I'm trying to watch the Food Network. If my souffle sinks, it's the fault of that loud woman on the bike.
As hard as this is to admit (because no one but me has EVER done this): I fart. And for some God forsaken reason I do it the most when I work out. And I am sure they are audible. Loud maybe. I wouldn't know because I have my headphones on and I am in my own little world of cardio fitness. All I know is there is some kind of invisible button that goes from the soul of my foot to the release valve of my colon. I can't explain it. It's biology.
And I am so sorry if you ever have the misfortune of passing behind me at the gym.

10 Things I Didn't Want to Hear

1. My baby teething on wrought iron
2. My cat shredding upholstery
3. My dog gagging on my hand-woven wool rug
4. My husband asking,"Is this a tarantula?"
5. "Uh-oh, Mommy"
6. Thud!  Followed by a cry (followed by silence= fine)
7. Glass breaking
8. "Ladies and gentlemen, there is a three hour delay for this flight..."
9. "We need to talk..."
10. "Look, baby climbing"

Kitty Roll

I have a house full of animals: two fish, one dog, one cat, two boys and a husband.  Being that they are all mine, it seems I am solely responsible for their upkeep.  The fish are the easiest: food and water.  It's the critters falling into class mammalian that demand the most attention: food, water, grooming, health care, exercise and affection.  With 1 of me and 5 of them, it keeps a homosapien busy... and exhausted.

That's why, at the end of the day, I just want a good nights sleep.  Ha ha.  Fat chance with a little one.  

So on those rare nights when the youngest creature doesn't wake for a snack, I relish my side of the bed and uninterrupted sleep.  

In comes the cat.  He knows tonight the baby won't be waking me.  The cat will.  He'll wake me to tell me he loves me by purring on my head.  He'll wake me to tell me he needs me to change his water or that his food is running low.  He'll wake me to tell me there's a flying insect that amuses him and it will amuse me too or he wouldn't be standing at my bedroom door mewing like a wounded demon.  

I bury my head deep in the down on the cool side of the pillow: my happy place.  The cat jumps on the bed, eager to rouse me.  Finally, he gives up and snuggles next to me for the night.

That cat is a furnace.  So when I feel his scalding body on my back, I smile; not because I like it... it's because I like what comes next: My side of the bed and uninterrupted sleep.

I roll over onto that beast.  Cats don't like that.

He bounds away, never to be seen or heard from again... until the next night.      

  

What the Neighbors Think

My toddler is toilet training.  Being a little boy, he came prewired with the inclination to pee outside... "like a doggie."  This technique was mastered the other evening while I was visiting with an elderly couple walking their dog past our house.  To say I was embarrassed is an understatement.  There isn't a word in the English language to describe the emotions of a mother who witnesses her child using the lawn in suburbia USA as a toilet.

Fortunately, the elderly couple could empathize.  Having been reminded of their younger years, and seeing that these moments happen to the best of us, they both threw their heads back and laughed.  What else could one do?  They had steered through these tortuous waters of toddler-hood years ago and made it through... alive.  

So, what do the neighbors think: "That's FUNNY!"

The Gym and "80's Haircut"

My husband, Eric, and I have recently gotten membership at a local gym. We take turns going in the evening, usually after the boys are in bed.

The one who goes first is obliged to give the "heads up."

For example, if I go first, I like to give report on the "grunters" and the "exhalers." You know them: usually men who flaunt themselves like roosters, are always seen wearing lifting belts and gloves and drinking out of a 10 gallon bucket of protein powder with a straw. They reek of Old Spice and the locker room floor (or is it the locker room floor that reeks of them).

Eric keeps his eye out for "80's haircut." It's one particular man; his small head adorned with plumage somewhere between a mullet and a Farrah Fawcett. He also falls into the category of "grunter." Whereas most "grunters" and "exhalers" exert themselves under 100s of pounds, "80's Haircut" pushes his limits with the elastic bands. Internal laughter ensues at such a sight.

But, then again, what do I know about the level of difficultly of the bands?

I'll have to ask grandma next time I see her at the gym.

My Husband is a Middle-Schooler

Intellectually, my husband is brilliant.  However, mentally, he's still 13 years old.  He still giggles about balls, nuts and boobies.  His idea of fun is pushing me out of bed onto the floor or taking all the towels out of the bathroom while I'm in the shower.  I married a comedian, folks.  

My only method of retaliation is to become a fifth grader (since girls are more mature than boys, I don't actually have to be 13 to stoop to his level).

Some nights, as he's trying to fall asleep, I implement "Baby Brontosaurus" or "Dancy Hand." These characters are nothing short of genius.  

Baby Brontosaurus gets a long, sniffing snout from my extended middle finger and the other four digits fall into place as legs.  Baby Brontosaurus crawls up my husband in search of "buttons."  Baby Brontosaurus doesn't have to trek very far to push them.  

My husband pretends to be asleep.  Then, without warning, Baby Brontosaurus is captured and squashed by the dreaded "Rock Hand."  Baby Brontosaurus retreats to the safety of the bed sheets.  

This calls for the second wave of assault: Dancy Hand.

Dancy Hand loves to do the can-can.  The upside-down peace sign step kicks to a remarkable rhythm.  She prances and leaps, enjoying the ability to effortlessly dodge the Rock Hands.  

Now my husband's eyes are open and glare at me from their corners.  Smirking, he grabs me at the elbow and rolls over.  Baby Brontosaurus and Dancy Hand have been captured.  All hope is lost.  Or is it....

"Toe General" sneaks up for the rescue mission.  

Restaurants

I hate spelling "restaurant" because in my brain it's spelled "resteraunt." What a stupid way to spell it "restaurant." My way makes more sense: you get more "rester" when you don't have to cook it yourself.

Here's some of my favorite places (in order of which-popped-into-my-head- first):

1. Sushi Caliante, Cedar Park TX- LOW prices, great rolls and the best blackberry green tea I've ever had
2. Which Wich, Nation wide- Cute idea for ordering: write your name on the bag. I highly recommend getting "wicked" with gardinara.
3. Mimi's Cafe, Nation wide- GREAT FOR FAMILIES! Kids get a plate of snacks at seating, and the kids meal includes drink, entree, side and dessert at a low price.
4. Thunder Cloud Subs, Texas- The best sub is the "Austin": smoked chix, avacado, cheese, veggies... and don't forget the "Thundercloud" sauce.
5. Rudy's, Texas/New Mexico- Only the "Wurst Bar-b-Que" could be a favorite place to take out of town guests. Pinic table seating at a gas station... love the "hotties"
6. K's China, Boulder CO- The BEST PAD-THAI I have ever eaten ANYWHERE
7. Chik-fil-A, Nation wide- BEST FASTFOOD. The food actually tastes fresh and chemical-free and the chains in our area give out free cherrios to babies.
8. ZuZu's, Austin TX- Great fresh Mexican flavors. I love the Mahi-Mahi Salad and homemade sour cream.
9. Saccone's Pizza, Austin Area- The white pizza is really unique... a little on the expenisive side, but the pies are 18"
10. Dunkin' Donuts, Nation wide- Just on the rare occasion, I love the chocolate glazed cake donut and a cup of their brand coffee... yuck and yum!