The Day Mama Fought the Llama

Let me tell y'all 'bout the day

when mama

fought the llama

cuz he done spit her way

Did ya know when a llama

goes spittin'

and a fittin'

he's lookin' for drama

Well, mama was down yonder

gittin' feeds

for critters needs

it's really a wonder

why that ol' llama done spit

mama stood

shocked real good

swung her bucket and HIT

that ol' llama, took the hit

reeled round

toes dug in ground

to get another spit

Well, mama is a wonder

played rugby

so now ya see

the llama ran yonder

Now there ain't no more drama

since them two

then made a new

pact of MAMA-LLAMA

Watch yer back when out that way

ol' llama 

sure likes mama

may spit at you one day!

Vashti, You GO GIRL!

A woman I mentor/disciple called me yesterday as I was watering my fruit trees.

"Jamie! I joined a Bible study like you said...I hate it and I don't want to go..."

"Oh dear! What happened?" I knew there was a story.

"Well, we are studying Esther, and the bible teacher said that Esther represents the Church and that Xerxes represents God..."

She went on and I cringed as I listened. This woman loves Jesus. She's had a relationship with Him for a long time. This woman is also a survivor of sex trafficking. So studying the book of Esther, and encountering ANY mention of a "harem" strikes a deep and traumatic chord in her. As it should. And any one of us who have not had the dehumanizing experience of being sold for sex MUST PAY ATTENTION.

Anytime we read Scripture and come across harems or concubines, we must realize these people were sex slaves. They had no choice. They had no control over their own bodies. In the book of Esther, Xerxes had a harem and eunuchs to manage "his" women. (BTW, "eunuchs" were castrated males who were most likely slaves from defeated countries). Xerxes also had vast wealth and a gorgeous wife he wanted to show off to all his VIP buddies (Es. 1).

Vashti refused to obey Xerxes when he summoned her to "show off her goods" (1:12). Traditional interpretations peg her as a "rebellious wife." Indeed, even in my friend's Bible study the teacher painted Vashti as a vile, ungrateful woman who didn't appreciate the riches, wealth, and honor of her position. The Bible teacher claimed Vashti deserved what she got by disobeying her husband, the King of Persia. She then argued that Xerxes represents God, Esther the church, and Vashti is anyone who disobeys God. Since Esther obeyed Xerxes and respected his authority, clearly she received the blessings of honor, wealth, and riches that Vashti lost. 

There is so much wrong with this interpretation I don't even know where to start. 

First, Xerxes had an appetite for food, wine, and flesh. The book of Esther starts off listing the THINGS of his wealth: extravagant parties, loads of alcohol, costly decorations, gardens, uniquely made golden goblets, exquisite palace furniture and architecture...and a wife who was "lovely to look at."    

How would YOU like to be listed among items, as someone else's possession THEY gloat over? Not known to the world by your virtues or accomplishments, just that you are pleasant to look at?

Second, Vashti had NO CHOICE (like Esther) to become Xerxes' sex slave. Vashti demonstrated EXTREME bravery and courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. We can read that Esther was AFRAID FOR HER LIFE to even approach Xerxes (4:11). This is clear evidence that this was NOT a romantic, foot-pops-up-when-kissed marriage. Vashti, NO DOUBT feared for her life as well. I imagine that she had enough: enough abuse, enough objectification, enough dehumanization...and she preferred death (or an exile worse than death) to remaining Xerxes' esteemed crowned slave. 

   

Third, Esther's "beautification" should not be romanticized as a "beauty pageant" (which is SO often how I hear it described). Esther lived from one traumatic event after another: her family exiled to Babylon, she herself a captive of Persia, death of both parents, and then ripped away from the only safe relationship she had with her cousin Mordecai (2:5-7). She may have been malnourished entering the palace and Xerxes' servants had the job to fatten the virgins up so their king would be satisfied. The eunuchs were slaves too and probably where severely punished for overlooking the harem's "beautification" process.

Lastly, Esther and ALL the beautiful virgins were not given the option to say, "NO." They were brought in, one after another, for Xerxes' pleasure, until he found the body he preferred most. Since these women were "used goods," they were placed to live out their days in the king's harem; summoned whenever Xerxes craved them.

In no way whatsoever does Xerxes exemplify my King of kings and Lord of Lords. Never does God cast us aside, forgotten, exploited and abused. Rather, God, and by extension Jesus, are best represented by Esther. Esther subjected herself to humiliation just as Jesus did for us at Calvary. Jesus saved His people, accepting the fate of death just as Esther resolved herself "if I die I die" (4:16).

Vashti is the unsung heroine in the story of Esther. While it's dangerous to extract details from silence, her bold actions speak volumes. The author of Esther is not only silent about Vashti but also about God. God is never mentioned in the entire book of Esther, yet we witness His actions among the players in the book. God, after all, is in control and His plans always prevail and never fail (Isaiah 14:24). He had a plan to rescue His people through Esther and not Vashti. Vashti willingly stepped out of the way, surrendering her esteemed position and reputation, when she told her abuser, "No." God clearly had a plan to usher Esther into position, using without condoning a corrupt kingdom to save His people, Israel.

Vashti is not the corruption, but rather a victim of corruption who takes a stand. That's why I say, "Vashti, You GO GIRL!"

Well, That Was Close

Other titles I mulled over for this post include:
"What a Week"
"That Time I Could Have Had Cancer"
"Don't Say the "C" Word"
"My Interesting Armpit"
"Oh Balls"
For a few weeks I noticed a slow swelling in my left armpit. It wasn't painful at first and at it's largest protrusion resembled half a tennis ball beneath my skin. After about week 2, it started causing tingling and numbness down my whole arm. It felt like I had laid down on my arm and it was falling asleep. The pain got so bad it was keeping me from sleep...and that's when it became unacceptable for me!

Monday: called doc to get it checked out. She prescribed antibiotics to rule out bacterial infection. However, there was no indication of infection; no fever, redness or hot skin. She ordered labs and sent me to get an ultra sound of the lymph nodes as well as a mammogram.

Tuesday: went to imaging center for my pics. An amazingly crusty old nurse was verbally reviewing my case with her colleagues while I changed into a gown. She came to get me and explained that my doctor should have ordered a diagnostic image and not a screening. In her no nonsense, matter of fact tone,"If you were an old lady like me, a screen would be fine. But you are young and symptomatic. You need the diagnostic and we don't do those at this location."
I agreed with her logic and was eager to hear the results of the diagnostic imaging immediately after the squish pics.
She personally called the diagnostic center. They did not have an opening until the following week. I thought, great...I'll take that.
"That's not good enough." She said. "Let me talk to the manager..."
Oh Balls. Why does she think this is urgent enough to get me in sooner?
She got me an immediate appointment.
Before the mammogram, I got the ultra sound.
"Not to worry you," the tech said after collecting the images, "but I am going to have the doctor review these right now. He may want to come in and get more views."
My interesting armpit might need more views? Why?
No more views were necessary and I was sent away for the mammogram.
For those of you who have never experienced a mammogram, let me say, that if it were not for the sober atmosphere, it would be comical. Never will I look at a tortilleria the same way.  
After several image angles, I was directed to wait in a small room before getting dressed in case the radiologist wanted more images.
My fellow mammogramees were all several years older than me. They all had earned their grey hair and wrinkles. They gave me kind and compassionate smiles...or was that empathy?
Don't say the "C" word. If it is it is, if it isn't...great.
The tech called me back for more pictures. The doctor reviewed my images.
All the while, God gave me peace. I wasn't freaking out (yet) and I understood and appreciated the thoroughness of the techs and doctors.
No breast cancer! WHEW!
But those lymph nodes...those lymph nodes could not be ignored.

Wednesday: I headed out in the morning for Bible study. I assumed it would be several days to hear back about my lab and ultrasound results. After all, it certainly didn't feel like anything to get worked up about. It wasn't breast cancer, so it probably wasn't anything.
Then my phone rings. It was my doctor.
Not the doctor's nurse. THE doctor.
Oh balls. 
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, how are your lymph nodes?"
"Doing fine...not as painful, so that's good, right?"
"That is why I am calling. The ultra sound shows that your largest lymph node is 4 cm. There are 2 others that are 1-2 cm. I am going to discuss your case with my colleagues and see about referring you to a specialist for a biopsy."
I called my husband and gave him the update. Eric and I cope with bad jokes. He said,"Did you tell her we can do the biopsy at home? We have all the equipment." (We have vet supplies). That's when I crumbled into tears. If Eric was making jokes than I knew it was bad.
A great thing about God, is that HE knows what we need. I got to Bible study and was loved on and encouraged. Dear friends hugged me, assured me that no matter the outcome, God was still in control and it would all be okay.
Joshua 1:9 came to mind:
"I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God, am with you in all you do."
I replayed those words over and over. I let them wash my fears, rinse, and repeat.
Another phone call.
"Hello, Mrs. Tanner, this is Texas Oncology calling. We would like to get you in as soon as possible...see you tomorrow."
Oh balls.
[Insert melt down montage here]
Feeling much better, I washed, rinsed, and repeated Joshua 1:9. I also trusted that IF God were to allow cancer to be a reality for us, than HE would give us HIS strength and peace to overcome it. I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I  AM   ALWAYS   HIS   GIRL.
Identity crisis averted, I proceeded to make a few phone calls to friends and family to update them on the process. As I sensed panic and fear I pointed them to Joshua 1:9...wasn't just me who needed to hear from God.

Thursday: Eric came with me to the oncologist appointment. As we sat in the waiting room, it was impossible to not think that this could be our life: sitting in these chairs time after time waiting for chemo treatment. A sweet elderly woman, Ms. Mary, came to sit near us.
"What are you here for? Lung, breast, colon..?"
"Just here to get my lymph node examined."
"Oh," she broke eye contact as if she knew that was a bleak diagnosis. "I have been fighting for 2 years. Doc gave me 2 months, but I am still here."
She studied me. She calculated the depth of what it would mean for a young mother to have cancer. Her eyes got teary.
My eyes got teary.
With a little cough, she assured me it would get easier. "There's a lot of us. There are a lot of support groups. It's hard at first, when you first find out. Then it's all right. You only get through this with the right attitude and prayer. Lots of prayer."
Prayer. Yes. I believe that. I knew lots of people were praying for me. I knew any peace or comfort or strength was from the Lord. Philippians 4:4-7 says:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell you requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. "
Ms. Mary was called back for another treatment, but I know all she really wanted was to be called home.
Soon it was my turn to see the oncologist.
She examined my interesting arm pit and checked my skin for melanoma and other cancers.
"Your lymph nodes are decreasing in size. Let's just keep an eye on them and have a follow up in a couple of weeks if they don't completely go down after finishing the antibiotics. I think your doctor made all the right calls this week, but I don't see any cause for alarm."
[Insert running-and-jumping-down-hospital-halls-high-fives-for-everyone montage here]

Wow, God. Remember that time I could have had cancer? Remember what you did for me? You gave me peace. You helped me be strong. I can trust you because you are a good and loving God. You could have allowed it to be anything. But you protected me.
Wow, God. You moved many people to pray for me. You showed me how you give peace beyond understanding to those who love you and seek you.
Wow, God. What a week!

Friday: Slept in.

That's Sensational

People get excited. By excited I mean like the heated particles you learned about in elementary earth science. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. For a human, it can also be fear.
Sensationalism excites people. We hear or see something and we get all excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful.
The book of Joshua in the Bible opens with God talking to Joshua. Moses had just died. For those of you unfamiliar with Moses, he's a big deal: led the Israelite people out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, got water out of a rock, interceded on behalf of God's people...his resume is impressive to say the least. But Joshua had risen up, proving he was a qualified leader and ready to follow the example of his predecessor.
God lays out a plan for Joshua to follow. I wonder if Joshua started feeling overwhelmed...excited. Uppity. Fussy. Not settled. Fearful. as God instructed him on the new mission to lead the people into the promise land. I wonder this because starting in verse 5 God says,"No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life."
In my mind, not the Bible, mind you, I imagine this conversation going back and forth:
Joshua: Wait what? Lead these millions of people into Canaan...something that Moses couldn't even do? What if I fail?
God: No one will be able to resist you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. 
Joshua: What if you leave us?
God: I will not abandon you or leave you alone.
Joshua: Is this for real...I am getting heart palpitations. I can't breath...can someone hand me a bag? The land of Canaan is HUGE and there are so many big people there...I've seen them...You can lead us, but I cannot...this is going to be rough...
God: Be strong and brave! You must lead these people in the conquest of this land that I have solemnly promised their ancestors I would hand over to them. 
Joshua: How can I possibly succeed?
God: Make sure you are very strong and brave! Carefully obey all the law my servant Moses charged you to keep! Do not swerve from it to the right or to the left, so that you may be successful in all you do. This law scroll must not leave your lips! You must memorize it day and night so you can carefully obey all that is written in it. Then you will prosper and be successful. 
Joshua: Yes, Lord. But I am so scared. All these people...
God: I repeat, be strong and brave! Don't be afraid and don't panic, for I, the Lord your God am with you in all you do. 
Admittedly, I project my own fears onto Joshua. There have been innumerable opportunities for me to panic or to get excited about something. But God doesn't want me to panic. He wants me to be strong and brave. He wants His people to remember what He says. He wants us to trust in Him.

This world and all it's degradation may seem overwhelming and frightening. We cannot control everything and everyone from making bad choices and doing the wrong thing. But we CAN control ourselves. We can choose to BE STRONG and NOT PANIC. We can choose to obey God. Then, when we obey God, we LOVE God and are better able to love others. Be careful not to get caught up in the high paced energy of panic and cultural sensationalism. If you trust God, you can trust HE has a good and perfect plan of an abundant life in HIS Promised Land.

Clay People

An old friend “waved” at me from FB messenger last week. I didn’t even know the app could do that. I “waved” back, surprised that this particular friend was messenging. She was a friend from my past. We had gone to Basic Training and AIT together. We had competed with and against each other during our Army Medic Combat training, forging a friendship based literally on blood, sweat, and tears and the good old Red, White, and Blue.

But that was long ago. Before deployments, before children...before 40 additional lbs. I am no longer a soldier. I traded my G.I. Joe for Suzy Homemaker over 10 years ago and never regretted it.

As I reflect on how far I’ve come, I linger on what used to be.
I used to be in shape…
I used to be size __…
I used to weigh ___…
I used to be…different…

Truth be told, I marvel at how different I really am. My friend knew someone who, in many ways, no longer exists.

People are like that: constantly changing but still remaining same.

In Jeremiah 18, God instructs the prophet Jeremiah to go down to the potter’s house for a lesson. Jeremiah recounts:

Then I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. 4 But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make.
5 Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, 6 “Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.

Like the clay, like the house of Israel, I am nothing more than clay in the Potter’s hands. At one time I was one shape, but I was “remade into another vessel, as it pleased the Potter to make.”
When my friend knew me, I was a glorious athletic vase of sorts. My body was the image of a soldier. It needed to be for that season. I needed to ruck 40lbs on my back for 20 miles in boots. I needed to run and low crawl under barbed wire with my M16 rifle. I needed those biceps, abs, and legs to accomplish the mission and tasks set before me.
Having children spoiled the athletic vessel. That wasn’t easy. I had come to find my identity in the image of a soldier. I took pride in my 6 pack and 14 minute 2 mile run time. Having children transformed a glorious athletic vase to a big round fruit bowl...with big, juicy melons.
Because I had built my identity in my role as a soldier, I went through a mini identity crisis. My identity was in my role. My identity reflected the role and not the God.
God, Elohiym, created us in His image. Genesis 1:27 tells us that “ God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Made in His image means we are built to reflect Him. What does that actually look like? I can guarantee it does not mean an identity in temporal things. Reflecting the Triune God means placing our identity in eternity. It means viewing ourselves with His eyes.
We are clay people. Glorious clay.    
My children are older, and I remain the shape of a fruit bowl...but the melons have retreated to the size of nectarines.
With summer in full swing, naturally I recoil at the thought of public swimming. But why? Why does it matter that I am a fruit bowl? Why do I still condemn myself for no longer being a vase?

Truth is, I have spent the last several years trying to be a vase again. Diet and exercise alone are not delivering the external results I want. So, I am learning to give myself grace. I eat healthy and get my 10,000 steps. Rather than scold myself for extra padding, I get off my back and thank God for a body that works. Because I am really His clay after all. He can change and reshape me to suit His purposes according to His will. If I cannot be a vase, then I want to be one hell of a fruit bowl.

Ruminate, People

Her teeth came down hard. I felt a crack and knew my life would never be the same. Although the pain was severe, I held onto the prize: a stinky ball of rumen. (Okay...so maybe “my life would never be the same” is a bit dramatic...but now I have intimate knowledge of goat teeth anatomy when I hadn’t before).
I was victorious in the battle of goat rumen. All you goat dairy farmers know what unhealthy rumen means. For all you normal people, let me explain:
Goats are ruminants. Like all ruminants (cows, sheep, rabbits etc.) goats rely on a healthy microbial environment in their gut to properly digest food. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal. Sick microbes equals sick animal.
I had a sick animal. A very sick goat named Godiva. The expression, “sick as a goat,” is illuminated when one actually has a sick goat. More often than not, when a farmer realizes a goat is sick, the poor goat is already dead. Regarding my Godiva, I knew I didn’t have much time.
Godiva is one of my nubian dairy goats. I love the breed’s elegant roman profiles, long pendulous ears, and God’s creativity in their color and coat patterns. I have been breeding for one especially rare pattern called “moon spots.” In my humble opinion, Jacob of the Bible had it right when he chose the goats with spots (Gen. 30:25-31:16). They are the most unique and lovely of all.
My obsession admiration for spotted goats has grown as I have bred multiple generations. Since they are dairy goats, it is important for the farmer (me) to bond with the herd. My dairy girls know and trust me.  Their exemplary behavior on the milk stand testifies to our relationship. Here, manners are crucial; no bucket kicking allowed! (Side note: the expression “don’t cry over spilled milk” undoubtedly was first uttered in a dairy barn. I empathize with both the dairy maid who lost her progress from one ill tempered hoof and with the cow...I breast fed 4 children and I certainly would be cheeky too).
My relationship with the herd and individual goats gives me deeper insight into our relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus says, “I am the Good Shepherd” (John 10:1-21). For most, His declaration elicits images of a bearded man carrying a lamb across his shoulders. True, Christ does “carry us through.” But this imagery implies He is only near in our most desperate times.
Truth is, our Good Shepherd is always near. God promises, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
A good shepherd continuously watches over the herd. Good shepherds, like Jesus, interact with their herd daily. They study them and pay attention to their needs. They know what feed to provide and when and how much. They notice when their animal loses condition as evidence of an underlying illness. After all, external cues signify internal happenings.
Just like with people, “what comes out” (Matthew 15:18) reflects what is in.
As children of God, He tells us to “meditate on scriptures day and night” (Joshua 1:8). Merriam Webster defines meditate as “reflect, ponder, muse, ruminate…” We must continuously digest, process, re-digest, re-process His word for our health! We must ruminate. Healthy thoughts equals healthy person. Sick thoughts equals sick person.
 So why, at the beginning of this article, did I have my hand in a goat’s mouth? It wasn’t simply to steal her rumen. I was taking one goat’s healthy rumen and putting it in the mouth of the sick goat. Godiva was sick. She didn’t have healthy rumen. She needed the healthy microbes of a healthy herd mate to help heal her gut. A few healthy microbes is enough to establish an entire colony. Healthy microbes equals healthy animal.
Just like my goats in the herd, we need one another. We need other believers (a herd community of sorts) to feed us right thoughts grounded in the word of God. We will all experience sickness in our thoughts from time to time. But we have time to heal to our minds and establish colonies of good thought. We must exhort one another, encourage and build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Godiva had to be built up and like people, she couldn’t do it on her own.
Sometimes, we don’t like hearing the truth. It stinks. It stinks like microbial ridden rumen. But the wise know His truth is beneficial. Truth saves. His word is rich and life giving! It is alive and it keeps us alive.

Godiva is alive today. She is on the mend from whatever ailed her. I still don’t know how she got sick in the first place. But I know, a thumb crunched in the mouth of a goat was worth it. Cheers to ruminates!

Walk Through the Valley

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

--Psalm 23:4-6

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”
In my life, I have literally and figuratively walked through valleys of deathly shadows. One particular long season of grief and suffering, I recall reading Psalm 23. I was struggling, wrestling with why: Why so long? Why so much? Why so hard? Why again?
As I read
“even though…(insert worse case scenario here)... I will fear no evil”
Why shouldn’t I fear?
Because: “You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
A rod and staff are tools used by shepherds to train and guide their sheep. They are used to rescue sheep from danger. They are used to gently tap on their backs to communicate the direction the shepherd wants the sheep to go. If one goes that direction, the flock follows. So, the “rod and staff” not only mean the best for the individual, but also for the whole flock.
I imagined I was a scared little sheep. What would I do? Would I lean into my shepherd like my goats lean into my legs as I walk them to pasture?
One time, I left a young buck in a neighbor’s pen. She was considering keeping him to breed her does. Overnight, she changed her mind and decided to go with a different breed. The morning I went to get him, she was at work. Her large Anatolian dog was very aggressive to my poor buck. He was chasing him around the pen mercilessly. The young buck had never been chased by a dog before. He was terrified, crying, and bleating...he could not escape that dog.
I ran to the pen and let my buck out. I positioned myself between him and the rowdy dog. The dog, knowing me, gave up his game. My buck leaned his side hard into the side of my calf. We walked the entire length of the country drive, through the front gate, and to my vehicle. He never was not leaning into my leg. The dog trotted happily on the other side, understanding I no longer needed him to herd my goat. I tenderly pick my goat up, checked his ears and legs for scratches and loaded him up.
Twix the goat and I bonded that day. I couldn’t bring myself to sell him, so I had him wethered (a story for another time). To this day, he is the first of my herd to greet me. He is the only goat I have easily trained on a halter because he demonstrates affectionate loyalty towards me.
I want to demonstrate affectionate loyalty toward God like that. He is my Shepherd. Even when I suffer and struggle, He is with me. He is LORD over it. I need to lean into Him. I don’t need to know how long the road is. That doesn’t matter. I just need to trust that He’s got me right where I need to be, for my good and His glory.
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;”
People are watching. This reminds me to “pray for those who persecute (me)” (Matt. 5:43-48). The Anatolian dog who chased my goat; he didn’t know any better. He wasn’t trained or disciplined not to do that. My goat couldn’t get him to stop, but I could. Therefore, don’t worry if you are powerless to stop others who harm you. God can and He says He will. Trust Him and His timing. Remember, it might not be the rescue we think we need. So we surrender our will and our expectations over to His sovereignty.
“You have anointed my head with oil”
In ancient times, the “chosen ones” like kings, were anointed with oil by a prophet or high priest as a sign to the people the individual was set apart. Oil was also used in the anointing of wounds. Even today, oil has several medicinal uses.
Not only are believers in the Lord Jesus Christ set apart as children of God, sons and daughters of the true KING, but also our wounds can heal because of what He did, He does, and He will do. There is suffering in this lifetime, but we have hope and faith that our suffering will not only end, but also be of use (James 1:2-4).

“My cup overflows, surely goodness and kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”